With the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards fast-approaching, legendary songstress Madonna is reportedly having trouble finding someone to kiss onstage this year. In another attempt at relevance, we’re told she’s seeking to recycle the 2003 VMAs performance, which featured her infamous onstage kiss with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.
“It’s been months since my last staged kiss,” says Madge, referring to her allegedly unsolicited kiss with Drake at Coachella. “And years since I had one as successful as the VMAs kiss. I’m running out of ideas.”
While she is set on repeating the unnecessarily provocative statement during this year’s awards, the Queen of Pop did express concerns over who would agree to the smooch.
“Britney and Christina are too old now. I need someone younger, hotter, more relevant—someone with a vibrant pop cultural life-force that I can literally suck right out of them,” says the singer. “But whoooo?”
Madonna’s team has reportedly been working for weeks pitching the opportunity to the likes of Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, and even Beyoncé, all to no avail. None could be reached for comment, although an assistant for Ms. Cyrus did say that it all seemed “…sad, like it was fetishizing queer culture.”
“Well,” sighs Madonna, “I guess I could try Drake again. No, no, that was such a disaster.”
“Does it even have to be a pop star? Maybe I could get one of the Kardashians,” Madonna continues, out loud. “Kylie’s got that whole lip thing going on… Is she 18 yet?”
Later out in the hall, Madge’s staff could be seen drawing straws to determine who would make the call to attempt to book “Kylie’s lips.”
At press time, the singer had started pacing in a corner, mumbling ideas about kissing celebrity cats. “Get me Lil’ Bub. No, get me Grumpy Cat. “I could tongue-kiss Grumpy Cat. He’d hate it.”
Viewers will have to tune in on August 30 to find out if she succeeds.