Love Ballad Clearly a Metaphor For Eating Asshole

Onlookers at Ceres Café in downtown Portland, Oregon report that a song played by an acoustic guitarist may have an ulterior message, as many patrons have picked up on what appear to be several references to eating ass in the seemingly romantic lyrics.


The song, entitled “Deeper & Darker,” was performed at the café by singer/songwriter Dan White several times this week.


“At first, it sounded like a really sweet song about trusting your heart, and just ‘diving in,’ like the song says,” reported Alyssa Priest, 24. “But then I listened a little more closely and realized that he later mentioned a ‘wet butt’ and his ‘tongue’. He was clearly talking about diving into an anus with his tongue.”


Ray Scheen, 49, added, “For a second I thought they were just talking about making love, you know, like in ‘Cherry Pie’? But then when they kept repeating the words ‘dark’ and ‘deep’ and ‘anus’, my mind went straight to rimjobs. It really made me look up from my crossword.”



“We get a lot of artists performing original material here, but this one really made me stop and listen,” commented Kath McCormick, a barista at Ceres. “I was in the middle of making an espresso, and then all of a sudden I thought, ‘Is he talking about licking ass?’ It turns out, he was.”


The mood in the café began to shift during the song’s second verse of “Deep down inside you, a rose so sweet and pink/ Girl I want to kiss you, but not in the places you’d think,” when several more customers began to notice that the song wasn’t an expression of the nuanced mysteries of love, but rather an ode to sloppy rimjobs.


Some patrons, however, walked away with a new appreciation for the song’s symbolism. “I guess that’s the whole point of art, you know? You’re not supposed to just go out and say what you mean,” concluded Scheen. “The song’s kind of a Mona Lisa smile, in a way. Except it’s about eating butt.”