The title of “gossipy coworker” carries quite a stigma, no matter how insightful and correct your musings may be. If the rumor mill has inexplicably turned against you, here’s how to nip this nasty reputation in the bud with some well-planted rumors. Anyway, it’s not like you smear crap on the wall of the handicapped stall like Henry, which you know for a fact:
Prove your intuitive capabilities, and that your CEO is an actual Nazi.
“Ever since a childhood accident when my heart stopped for 10 whole seconds and I came back from the dead, I’ve had psychic abilities. The CEO is a reincarnated Nazi.”
Play up your considerate nature by showing concern for suffering children, and Georgina’s plastic surgery obsession.
“I’m in the heart-wrenching process of adopting a third-world orphan. I am also worried that Georgina has that Michael Jackson ‘I hate my nose’ thing going on.”
Let people know it’s basically your job to know things, like what happened between Laura and Dan.
“In addition to managing social media, I was hired to be the company mole. Laura and Dan fucked.”
Share something about yourself as a decoy.
“Not many people know this, especially not Deb since she’s on pot all the time, but I have a third nipple!
Show you have a sincere journalistic interest in who has been stealing K-cups from the kitchen.
“I have a Master’s degree in journalism, which is why it’s okay for me to dig through the new guy’s garbage.”
Show you’re really just an artist.
“All of that gossiping stuff was for an art project, especially the stuff about Regis sleeping in his garage for three weeks.”
Justifying your need for truth isn’t always easy, but with a few handy and well-planted rumors, people will understand that you’re not a gossip like Jan in HR who may or may not have broken the office dishwasher – you’re a sage!