Citing the harmful distraction that female bodies pose to male students, Sheldon High School principal Randy Graves announced today that the school would be cracking down on skimpy prom dresses once and for all by banning all girls from the annual dance.
Students of both genders were very dismayed by the decision, but Graves maintains that, “It’s for the students’ own good.”
“And by that, I’m mostly talking about the male students.”
“We know that these boys come to the school dance to learn important lessons about life,” Graves wrote in a letter to parents this week, “and we know that they simply can’t fulfill their potential if they’re distracted. To that end, we are requesting that female students not attend this year’s prom.”
The high school is not taking this change lightly, Graves emphasized, adding that the school board, which is entirely male, deliberated for 16 full minutes before reaching the decision, dubbed, No Child Left Behind Unless They’re Girls And It’s Prom.
“Every year, we have a problem with the dresses getting more and more, well, you can see there’s a girl in it,” says school board member Andrew Fasbone, “All those tight dresses with cut-outs and these little straps…it was just really clear that they had female bodies in there. And when you get a room full of boys surrounded by girls who have bodies, it just makes it really hard for the guys to focus on what they’re there for, which is dancing, palling around, and making memories to carry with them for life. They’d be able to focus on that more easily without young ladies around.”
Many female students are protesting the decision.
“I organized the whole thing; there’s no way I’m staying home,” says student council president Geena Danforth. “Why can’t we ban boys? It’s their own responsibility to control their impulses, not girls.” She adds, “I promised I’d wear several burlap sacks but Principal Graves said it was too ‘booby’.”
Still, Graves stands behind his decision.
“It’s much easier to police what the girls wear than it is to teach these boys to respect them,” he explained in a press conference. “And it’s even easier to just ensure that there are no girls anywhere in sight. That’s the best thing for these boys, which, I think we can agree, is the best thing for this next generation.”
He added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get down to the football game. Our cheerleading squad is debuting their newest air-humping routine.”