There comes a time in every young person’s life when they realize they have to start being realistic about the future. Sure, following your passion is all well and good when you have no responsibilities, but the demands of adult life do eventually come calling, specifically the need to make oodles and oodles of money to pay for your lavish lifestyle. It is with a heavy heart, therefore, that I finally admit the time has come for me to get serious. It’s time for me to finally settle down and push a really old rich man off a boat.
I’ve always dreamed of being a professional dancer, and I’ve certainly made great strides toward that goal, but even at such a high level, I make nowhere near enough money to support myself. That’s where Gregory Ivanovich the Third is going to come in. You see, Gregory and I hit it off when he DM’ed me on Instagram, whispering such sweet nothings as “feet pics?” and “pics of feet for cazh?” I knew we had hit it off when I said “sure” and he said “WEEEEE.”
My parents always told me I’d have to get realistic about my future eventually, and I’m finally ready. You see, Gregory has this catamaran that his doctors have begged him to stop using for fear that he’ll fall off and his 85-year-old bones won’t be strong enough for him to pull himself back up. I know: The story practically writes itself! As does the check – I’ve already been writing myself checks in his name for the past month, and so far, so good!
Am I excited by the idea of having to “get realistic” and push this man off a boat? No. Am I excited by the idea of having to play the role of “bereaved flame”? Honey, you bet your ass I am.
Listen, a job is a job, and I would love to never have a job again. These are the sacrifices we make to be able to see Charli XCX from the pit, okay? And just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s “wrong.” Well, a few of my friends have reached out to say it’s wrong, but I think they just mean it’s wrong to post about this plan on my close friends story. How else am I supposed to get everyone’s opinion via a quick and easy poll?
It brings me no joy, but I know it’s time I settle down and push Gregory. I’m sure he will understand, or at the very least, I hope he will just shut up and die. Bon voyage! Wish me luck!
