Meet Alyssa Higgins. She’s a 28-year-old yoga teacher who pays the bills as a Reiki healer, but her real passion is the ancient, mystical art of tarot. Despite being so attuned to the mysterious miracle that is the human soul, she has one hidden weakness: She lacks the ability to subtly communicate with other humans.
“Yeah, she’s pretty much in her own world,” confirms Brad Butler, a 35-year-old Brooklyn resident. “I asked her if she wanted to get dinner sometime, and she said, ‘Yes, usually once a day, at night.’ I was asking her out, but she thought I was asking about her meal schedule. So weird.” He adds, “She did predict my promotion, though, so that was cool.”
Another Brooklyn resident, Allie Morgan, 26, reports a similar encounter. “Alyssa came to my party and was giving people free palm readings, which was a huge hit,” she says. “But then around midnight, I started yawning and vaguely implying that I wanted to go to bed soon.” Despite this volley of obvious hints, Morgan states, “Alyssa just kept sitting at my kitchen table, droning on about tarot stuff for hours. After all that psychic stuff, I was really surprised she didn’t know I wanted her to leave until I told her directly.”
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen her stand directly in front of the subway doors at express stops,” says one anonymous friend. “She says that’s the best place for meditating on her tarot deck, but it sucks for everyone trying to get past her. It’s like she doesn’t even see them.”
Kelly Marshall, a 31-year-old Manhattanite, recalls the day she was dumped via text message while she and Alyssa were at brunch. “I was crying quietly while staring at my phone, but Alyssa didn’t even say anything,” recalls Marshall. “It was like she couldn’t even tell I wanted her do some witchy shit to make me feel better.”
Alyssa could not be reached for comment, as she is not sure what her phone ringtone sounds like.
