Last Sunday, Portland resident Chloe Landry rattled an otherwise calm lunch when she said, “I’ll be the first to say it, I haven’t always been the most present friend.” The friends to whom Landry delivered this confession were quick to point out that she is definitely not the first person to say it.
“I love Chloe,” said longtime friend Vanessa James. “But she’s a very flaky and preoccupied person, and I’ve specifically talked about that with her before, so she must know she was the first to say it.”
Landry’s college friend Melanie O’Day put it more frankly.
“Yeah, she’s not the first person to say that she isn’t a good friend,” said O’Day. “We all talk about it all the time. We literally have a group chat about it.”
Despite her friends’ statements to the contrary, Landry continued to explicitly insist that she was the first to have this revelation.
“I don’t know if it’s something that’s dawned on any of you,” said Landry. “But I haven’t always been there for you in your times of need.”
James, who recently went through a breakup while taking care of a sick parent, reported that Landry was correct in saying she was not there during James’s time of need, but that her absence wasn’t the main issue.
“I support Chloe’s journey toward self-awareness and I’m willing to forgive her missteps,” says James. “But I am having trouble forgiving her for treating that awareness as a major realization that she’s the first to ever notice.”
Witnesses confirm Landry has also mistakenly claimed that she was the first to say that Oscar Isaac is hot, feminism should be intersectional, and guitar is an important component of rock music.
When Landry was reached for comment, she took some time to reflect on the situation.
“Look,” Landry said. “I’ll be the first to say it, it’s okay for me to learn from and agree with already made observations.”
Reports confirm that, no, she is not the first to say this either.
