I never splurge on spa treatments. But when my back started bothering me after starting a new job, I decided to treat myself and get a massage. When I arrived at the spa, they led me back to my room, handed me a robe, and told me to strip down. That’s when I got super confused. I didn’t know if I was supposed to take off my underwear or leave them on and I didn’t want them to judge me. So I did what any woman would do: I put my underwear in my mouth and I swallowed them whole.
Overall, I think I made the right decision. What if I had left my underwear on and the masseuse thought I was a prude? It would be so embarrassing to be the only person to ever leave her underwear on during a massage! She’d have to move my underwear out of the way to get at my butt. Or worse, skip my butt all together! Then she’d know I never got massages and would spend the whole massage thinking about it and laughing at me. But if I did take off my underwear, I might have totally shocked the masseuse with my nudity. Maybe no one has ever taken their underwear off in a massage before? The masseuse would peel away the blanket to get at my butt and be shocked at the sight of my actual whole naked butt. Either way all roads pointed to me being a total newb at massages, so to save myself from making an embarrassing choice, I just put my underwear in my mouth and ate them.
They tasted better than I thought, and I didn’t even have to chew! I just gathered enough spit in my mouth to dry swallow them and they went straight down after about five minutes.
My first thought after successfully eating my underwear was, “Oh no, I ate my underwear.” But then my second thought was, “Okay, great. I ate my underwear and now I don’t have to make a decision because the underwear is gone. It’s in my stomach.” Then I proceeded with the massage and yes, although I wasn’t wearing any underwear, I still had a pair in my tummy so it was kind of the best of both worlds.
I can’t explain how this made things easier, but it did, and I was able to relax knowing my underwear was sloshing around in my belly, absolutely wrecking my intestines while Jenna worked out a kink in my neck.
Maybe you don’t understand why I did it. Maybe you’ve never known this type of fear. Maybe if you were in my shoes you would have remained calm and asked, “Should I take my underwear off or leave it on?” But you weren’t in my shoes, and what I did was make a split second decision to chomp down on my underwear and now they’re deep in my stomach where no one can ever find them. Not even me.
The decision I made might be unorthodox, but no one can tell me it was wrong.
I’m glad I ate my underwear. Making any decision at all is super hard and I’m proud I avoided a pretty minor one by simply swallowing my underpants. It truly allowed me to relax for once, and for that I won’t apologize, although I may throw up later because as it turns out, the human body can’t digest synthetic blends very well.
