Like lots of people in quarantine, I found myself with some extra time for self-care. So I bought myself Babyfeet, the product that peels the skin from your feet to reveal, younger, softer skin, just like a baby’s.
Now, I am cursed with tiny widdle baby hands that may take years to grow back.
You see, I developed some pretty rough callouses on my hands and thought, if Babyfeet works on feet, why can’t it work on my hands? Seems logical, right? After a couple of days, some peeling began. “Nice,” I thought. “My hands are gonna look like I never worked a day in my life.”
But the next morning, I woke up, and eyes closed, touched my face. I screamed. I opened my eyes to reveal the tiniest widdle baby hands I ever did see, touching my big adult face with the littlest paws in the whole wide world. Oh, they were so cute and widdle I couldn’t even stand it. I just wanted to squeeze those littow fingies in abject horror.
Now I can’t open jars without help. This is my life now.
And the peeling hasn’t stopped yet – every day, they shed another layer, getting tinier and babier. Thankfully, I haven’t had many places to go, and can hide my hands in Zoom meetings. But typing this has been exhausting with these adorable liddow chubby baby fingies I just want to bite wight off.
And masturbation? I can’t even think about it. Too weowd.
If I could share any wisdom with the world, please don’t use baby feet on anything you don’t want turning into a tiny adorable itty bitty widow baby body pawrt. Unless you really want that, for some reason.