I Had An Out-of-Body Experience At My Wedding And Now I Can’t Get Back In

Every little girl dreams about her wedding day. So when my special day finally arrived, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. In fact, I was so ecstatic, my soul left my body—and now I can’t get it back inside.


Many brides say that their wedding day was surreal, like they were looking down on themselves from above. Sometime between Anthony looking at me come down the aisle and my Aunt Philippa covertly spitting a Jordan almond into her purse, I felt the essence of my soul rise above me, looking down at this beautiful moment in my life, except now it has fully departed this earth and is now trapped in another dimension. If anyone can relate to this or knows some kind of workaround, please let me know.


Why did this happen? Was I just too damn happy about my nuptials? After all, some people hate planning weddings, but nothing brought me greater joy than calling 14 different caterers and tempering my panic that we would never find somebody affordable. It just sucks that I couldn’t properly enjoy the fruits of my labor because my incorporeal self had escaped the tether of this reality, seemingly never to return. Which reminds me—can someone conduct some psychic shoving to get this stubborn bitch of a spirit back inside its casing? It’s getting cold.



This wouldn’t be as big of a deal if it were any other day, but we planned some really fun activities for the reception, plus a brunch thing tomorrow, and I really wanted to be present for all of it. Instead I have to hover, watching my body experience the physical joys of doing the Macarena, getting cake smashed in my face, and saying hello to so many people it almost becomes stressful. Alas, my very being has surpassed my flimsy mortal coil and now the soulless automaton that was once me gets to wear Vera Wang and drunkenly give a little speech.


This is not how I expected my wedding to be.


Anyway, there are a couple hours left of the reception and I’d really love to actually be able to enjoy it. So if anybody knows how to get my soul paired back up with that meat-sack with the very expensive dress, I’d really appreciate it. I want to get back down there before Anthony and the groomsmen perform “Grease Lightning” and definitely before I end up passed out in the Hummer limo.