I Deserve A Boyfriend Way More Than That Bitch From ‘The Fault In Our Stars’

So just about everyone has seen it by now. (No Vanessa, I’m not talking about my vajay-jay! LMAO.) The Fault in Our Stars—the movie about those two high schoolers who both have cancer. It’s a love story of Nicholas Sparks proportions, but written by somebody who isn’t Nicholas Sparks. I forget his name—and anyway, nobody cares about authors, anyway.


Don’t get me wrong — the movie was super cute. It actually was. But I do have a “bone”to pick with it (lol Vanessa…shut up). It’s this: that bitch totally did not deserve to have that super-cute boyfriend!!! Why? Let me tell you why:


She had short hair. So I don’t know if this was because she was having chemo, or something? But I don’t think so because her hair wasn’t that short. It was kind of J-Lawr “after the fall”short. So, I think it was intentional and not dying-related. Either way, that shit was fugly. I literally cut my hair short once, when I was in the second grade, and I’ll never forget my father telling me that no boys would like me if I kept my hair short, not even him—especially not him. It’s unfortunate that that chick in the movie didn’t have a caring father like me to tell her what’s up, but that’s also not my fault.



She did not appreciate him. So eventually she was into it and made a really nice speech for him at his funeral and all that, but at first she was definitely resisting his advances and in my experience guys do not wait around like that. Especially with cancer. She made him get to know her as a person before she even kissed him (let alone get nasty with him) and I’m sorry but that is just too much to ask of a guy. If a hunky high schooler like that was into me, lets just say I would be spreading my legs a lot quicker. (Statutory only applies when the girl is younger than the guy, thx for the legal advice, Dad!!)


She was effing dying. Come on. Guys don’t wait to get with girls who are dying, because there’s no future in the relationship, obvi. Fully every guy I have ever been with has said he “wasn’t looking for anything long term” and “just wanted to hook up for a couple weeks” and…oh shit. This is making so much sense now. Wait, I get it. She wasn’t dying—she was just pretending to die so she could land a hot guy. I figured out your secret, bitch! I am totally gonna do that from now on.