I Choose Men Based on Whether My Earrings Snag On Them

Where does one find love these days? Online dating, professional matchmaking, going home with the one guy still at the bar—are they really helping people find what they want? I’ve tried them all. And at long last, I’ve found a solution that works for me:


I choose men based on whether my earrings snag on them when they hug me or pass by me.


I am committed to spontaneity and fate, so it’s only natural for me to use my earrings as a guide. Whether a guy is trying to squeeze by me in the elevator or hugging me hello, when these babies catch on him and don’t let go, I know he’s for me.


Take the time my peridot chandeliers hooked a cute stranger’s burnt orange cashmere V-neck in the subway. One of my danglies stuck like Velcro, and in trying to remove it, my hands were compelled to touch his chest. Then somehow my head was compelled to lie on his chest. I had no choice. I looked up into his eyes. He smiled shyly. I smiled back. And that was that—until I found out he was married months later, but still, I know for that brief time, we were meant to be! I thank my earrings for the time I spent with him.


This is how it should be. Love is spontaneous, organic. Stop trying to control and shape everything. Give up your schemes and plans, trust the universe, and let things unfold.


I began listening to my accessories in school, when Mary Faith and I got our fringe purses so crisscrossed and knotted that we had to be cut apart; by the time we were separated, we were best friends. When you don’t work for something, it means the universe brought it to you. So let the earrings do the work!


Having earrings on your side helps you keep your chin up in the dating world. I took the settlement from my third divorce (and the third husband I met via earrings) and treated myself to a pair of diamond hoops from Tiffany’s. (Now, I know what I said about orchestration, but in the hooking game, hoops are more helpful.) Sure enough, their brilliance blinded Keshavan as he came out of a store; he ran straight into me and could not move for a moment until he regained his balance. It was long enough. He whisked me off to India where we made wild love to each other before I found out he was a wanted criminal. So it goes.



You never know where trusting gems will take you!


You ask: earrings only? Of course all kinds of adornments can reel in your destiny. Necklaces, leashes, purse buckles, luggage handles, crochets and knits, bangles, even nose and eyebrow rings all work. But to me, the earring is the most romantic of guides. It’s small enough to palm; it’s intimate, as the ear is where we whisper secrets. It’s like the glass slipper, if the prince had simply grabbed onto Cinderella’s foot and never let go.



Sometimes the earring has an unusual lesson to teach. I met my current flame on a cold winter’s day, when we were both in hats and scarves. As we jogged and got acquainted, I developed feelings, but felt unsettled that he had not passed the earring test. But then when he turned towards me, do you know what happened? My hematite stud did catch on Amari—and you’ll never guess where.


On his earring.


That’s right – he wears them too. This might be the snag of a lifetime!