I’ve recently gotten into makeup and have practically scoured the globe for the perfect mascara. So imagine my delight when I stumbled upon a mascara product dubbed, “Better Than Sex”! This simply must be the best mascara the beauty industry has to offer, no? One might think. I used it for the first time last week, and let me just say – I’m a bit confused why a mascara called “Better Than Sex” didn’t stick a single finger in my ass.
I know branding doesn’t always reflect the product, and trust me, I’m not mad – I just think it’s interesting! I just think it’s curious! I just can’t imagine why a product called “Better Than Sex” neglected to stick a finger in my ass, despite the grand promises it made.
As far as the quality of the mascara goes, it’s great. I applied a layer quickly and easily with the wand, and after spending about three fourths of the day crying over inspirational Instagram reels, it didn’t rub off! It’s thick without being cake-y, dark without seeming unnatural, and to put it simply, it makes my lashes look amazing. I really just have the one criticism: no fingers in my butt.
And that would be okay if they hadn’t told me that using this mascara would be better than sex, which it clearly is not. Anyone who has had a finger in their ass can tell you that sex is better than this mascara, even though this mascara is – as previously mentioned – very good.
I will be filing a class action lawsuit against the parent company of this product, claiming the appropriate damages for myself and anyone else affected by this predatory advertising. Due to the confidence with which the product declared it would be “better than sex,” I deleted all of my dating apps, ghosted all of my prospects, and stopped pretending to be nice. With my new mascara, I wouldn’t need anyone else, as advertised, right? Wrong. I demand recompense.
When cigarette manufacturers covered up the adverse effects of tobacco in their ads, justice was eventually served. All I’m asking is that the same be done here, to this mascara that is called “Better Than Sex” without providing even a fraction of the satisfaction of sex. Alternatively, I request that they add a service wherein, upon purchase of the product, someone puts a finger in my butt. Either one works!
