In a sad but unavoidable outcome, many are wondering if my niece Hadley is a huge bitch after she put Rihanna’s “Pon de Replay” on her “throwback” playlist.
While the dancehall classic came out in 2005, one year after Hadley was born, experts, who are real, confirm that this song had no place on the playlist and Hadley was way the fuck out of line.
“’Pon de Replay’ may have been released in 2005, but it enjoyed a sustained relevance that went along with Rihanna’s meteoric rise in the late aughts, so it most correctly can be categorized as a contemporary piece of music,” says one expert. “It’s also of note that Hadley’s mom is a lot older than her sister, and therefore Hadley’s aunt is actually pretty young, and she listened to this song in high school which was basically five minutes ago in the grand scheme of life.”
Wow. It’s hard to argue with that analysis.
Other witnesses were even more disturbed by the context of Hadley’s nonsense, bullshit playlist.
“It would be one thing if this was all early 21st century,” says a source who asked to remain anonymous. “But she had fucking ‘Come and Get Your Love’ by Redbone on there. Like, the original song from 1973. Does she think that 1973 and 2005 are the same? Does she think everything from before 2017 is ancient history just because she’s a little baby who somehow suddenly has a nose ring and thinks I don’t get TikTok even though she has no appreciation for the fact that I had more Facebook friends in 2009 than she could ever dream of?”
I wish I didn’t have to say it, but objectively speaking Hadley is sort of a massive bitch for this.
But Hadley doesn’t see it that way.
“I love classic oldies — Jason Derulo, Vampire Weekend, Motown,” the bitch monster says. “I want to make a playlist for my girlfriend, and I wanted to put it on one of those physical blank CDs, like in old movies. I actually was gonna ask for your help because you know about all that cool stuff.”
At press time, my soul had left my body.