Motherhood is a blessing and a gift—and if the woman who gave birth to the baby you’ve stolen would stop holding sad-sack press conferences, she’d tell you that herself. Just because that baby isn’t “legally yours” doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the greatest privilege of child-rearing: elaborate photoshoots of babies in gourds! We can all be the next Anne Geddes, and here’s how to pull it off:
1. Hollow out a large pumpkin. Pose Kayla Grace (Kayla = slutty name) inside and place the stem portion on her head like a little hat. Take photos while whispering to her in a soothing voice: “I’m your mommy now.”
2. When she falls asleep, hold her in your hands and extend your arms toward the heavens. Stop. Put her down. Grab your iPhone and unsubscribe from any further Amber Alerts. Snap the picture then spend the rest of the night watching her sleep because no one will ever take her away from you.
3. Put a floral shower cap on her head and wrap her body in a soft towel, ensuring all distinguishing birthmarks are covered. Place her in that old-timey washtub you purchased two years ago for this very occasion! Blow bubbles while ignoring the sounds of the helicopters outside.
4. Craft a cardboard acorn large enough to completely conceal her and her car seat. Place her inside and snap away! Use the acorn to smuggle her out of your house—and don’t make eye contact with anyone especially your neighbor Pam who certainly has a lot of questions.
5. Cover her with a giant sunflower headpiece. Cover yourself with a giant sunflower headpiece. Hide yourselves in a wooded area.
6. Ask the SWAT team if you can curate your own mugshot.
7. Trade your completely adorable calendar for several cigarettes and a Daisy razor in jail.
And there you have it! Don’t let “the law” get you down; take the cabbage-themed baby photos you’ve always wanted, and never stay in a single location for too long!
