It’s incredibly important to put a human face on abortion. But God, does it have to be YOUR face? Today? On Aunt Carol’s birthday? Why couldn’t this hashtag have come in January, during her annual post-Holiday off-the-grid scrapbooking frenzy? But no, it’s dead in the early autumn heyday of social media bingeing. We know you need to keep things civil if you want to have a quiet Thanksgiving this year, so here’s some tips for keeping Aunt Carol out of your badass feminist business.
Adjust your privacy settings.
Mark Zuckerberg may be a huge supporter of Planned Parenthood, but he also made it possible for Aunt Carol to see every drunk picture of you ever taken. Fortunately, he’s made it easy to #ShoutYourAbortion to everyone—except a few people who might not like it. Sort those Aunt Carols out by going to Privacy settings, selecting “Restricted”, typing in “#ShoutYourAbortion” and “Carol Mayes-Pine” and you’re good to go. You’ll also be able to filter out phrases like birth control, Hillary Clinton, and “rolling on molly”. Also, you should probably stop captioning your photos “rolling on molly”.
Use #synonyms.
Use an alternative but still radfem friendly hashtag to get your point across. For example: #TacitlySupportAbortion, #MumbleYourAbortionIntoANapkin, or #ShoutSomeoneElse’sAbortionButNotMineAuntCarolISwear. However, we suggest you DO NOT use #GoneBortin’ as Carol is deeply attracted to that old southern charm.
Wear a disguise.
Remember the time you did camgirl work to pay off your student loans, but didn’t want your cubicle-mate Brad to find out? Thanks, wigs and hats! We know you already have that trench coat from your high school LiveJournal years, so why not shout your abortion from the rooftops, incognito? Now you can finally speak your truth without Aunt Carol realizing that shadowy figure in the streets is her niece. Literally, in the streets. Go shout it out of your mouth and keep it off the web.
Do it at Comic-Con.
Comic-Con isn’t just for nerdy boys anymore, but thankfully, it’s also not for Aunt Carol, who has been ordered to keep 300 feet from William Shatner at all times. This isn’t just the best time to #ShoutYourAbortion, but thanks to all the cosplay going on, it’s also the best time to have one.
Get some help from the feds.
This one’s easy! Simply move to a crime-heavy area, find the local mafia, ingratiate yourself into their world by shaking down local immigrant owned businesses, witness a murder, tell the cops, join the witness protection program, relocate to a charming town that’s proud of its quaint exports, assume a new identity, take a few years to develop new friendships, a new job, and a social media following, and #ShoutYourAbortion under your new name. While YOU may not be ready to deal with the pressure, remember: “Lisa Jacobs” doesn’t even have an Aunt Carol. Problem solved!
Good luck with shouting your abortion! You’ll need it—someone just taught Aunt Carol “how to Twitter”.
