There are plenty of reasons why your boyfriend might want to break up with you. The annoying laugh. The email hacking. That porta-potty incident with his brother at Ellie’s birthday party. That’s why you need to take charge and show him that he can’t leave you, no matter what. And what better role model for asserting dominance than sitting on his laptop like a little cat? Cats demand attention, especially when they are sitting on your laptop and preventing you from doing work. Strengthen your relationship, and let him know it’s not over until you say it’s over, with these simple laptop-sitting moves that we adopted from our feline friends.
The “I’m Needy But I Don’t Need You” Squat
In order to communicate this message, climb onto his laptop slowly and timidly. When he makes eye contact, omit a guttural sound, turn your back to him, and nestle your butt right down onto the keyboard. Fold your arms nonchalantly while staring intently off into the distance. Sitting so close to him but acting like he’s not even there is sure to drive him crazy—and make him fall in love with you all over again.
The “I Recognize You’re Busy And I’ll Pretend To Help” Sprawl
This unobtrusive technique will have him scratching between your ears in no time. In this move, don’t immediately sit on his laptop, but rather, take one butt cheek and place it gently on his forearm while extending your own arm up and across the screen. Then lower it, letting it come to rest across the keyboard. Stretch your fingers lazily. At the end of the stretch, gently press one or two keys. (The trick is to act like you don’t know you’re pressing the key!) Keep pressing until “tttttttttttttttttttttttttt” or any string of unintelligible characters appears on the screen. Make eye contact, blink slowly, and then stare intently off into the distance. You’ve made your point.
The “We Need To Talk” Full Frontal
This is a bold move and should only be executed if your relationship is in serious disarray. When your man is clicking intently away, come out of nowhere and straddle him, placing your Puss in Boots squarely on the center of his laptop. When he sighs in frustration, nestle your head in his shoulder and make content sounds like purring or burping. He’ll be asking, “What the hell do you want?” in no time. Make sure you’ve got on your running shoes, because the end requires jumping down to the floor and sprinting toward the kitchen like he just tried to take a cleaver to your ass. Your authority is no longer in question.
Remember, we all make mistakes, but there’s no reason to let go of your Forever Man. Just channel your inner cat, sit on his laptop, and slink right back into his good graces, hopefully before you have to pee in his shoes.
