You picked the best restaurant, you got in line early, and now your young and gorgeous friends are on their way to help you MURDER BRUNCH IN COLD BLOOD. Wrest the life from your boozy breakfast with these helpful tips to fucking destroy the most popular meal of the week in a heartless bout of bloody destruction:
1. If you want to murder brunch outside, arrive by 11 AM.
Everyone wants that prime outside table seating, and by noon, there’ll be far too many witnesses for you to properly murder brunch al fresco. A nice outdoor café area allows the sun to warm your cheeks while you prepare yourself to commit an unspeakable act, so get there early if you want to KILL BRUNCH DEAD outside in the fresh air.
2. Go for the bottomless booze option
BRUNCH is all about BOOZE in the afternoon, especially when you’re not sure if you’re the murdering type. Be the first to suggest unlimited mimosas—it’ll help you follow through with your plan to MURDER THAT EGGS BENEDICT BEFORE IT SEES YOU COMING. Yeah, that’s right! Order another round! You’re officially the BLOODY MARY of this Brunch cuz you’re gonna KILL THEM ALL. Brunch had it coming, okay? You’re doing the right thing.
3. Keep the conversation flowing, like the brunch’s coward blood.
Brunch is about competing with your friends to see who’s the most interesting, so make sure you fucking gut that coward brunch like a fish with how worldly you are. Did you read something by Joan Fucking Didion? Have a celebrity run-in with JULIA STILES? Slit brunch’s throat with funny anecdotes and gossip as hot as the Eternal Flames of Hell, where brunch can rot for all you care. This feels good. Too good.
4. Take a trophy from the scene in the form of a quality ‘gram!
Everyone’s ordering one order of French toast to split, so brunch should be on the floor writhing and begging for you to spare its life right about now. Kick brunch while it’s down by taking artsy photos of your waffles and hash browns. Be sure to tag all of your gal pals in it to really twist the knife inside of brunch on its way out. You are the king. Nobody can touch you. The spoils of brunch are yours!
5. Leave no trace (AKA bring cash!!).
UH DUHHHH! The check comes and that fucking asshole Lisa forgot that this CHIC SPOT only accepts cash. By the time her Venmo payment comes through, you’ll have hammered the final nail in BRUNCH’S BLOOD SOAKED COFFIN by coming PREPARED. Good riddance, you fuckin’ fuck. Tell brunch’s wife he died like a rat.
If you got any blood(y mary) on your cocktail dress, a little club soda should get that out. As for the screams of brunch echoing in your head, well, a little grease and booze should help. You murdered brunch and there’s no going back. Run, bitch! Run!
