How to Make Your Own Oat Milk to Spite Your Pet Cow

Oat milk is not just for $8 lattes and tote bag users, it is also for cow owners looking to piss off their favorite bovine pets. Cows are known to be moody and arrogant creatures, but you don’t have to stand for that attitude. It’s 2021 and that you have plenty of dairy alternatives to choose from. If your cow is being intolerable, here are a few tips on making oat milk so good your cow will be begging to be milked again.


Choose your ingredients.

Choosing the freshest and tastiest ingredients is important, you have to let that cow know that you deserve the best of the best. You deserve better than cow farts to face first thing in the morning because you want to enjoy milk in your cereal. You can add roses, matcha, or blueberries to your oat milk. These ingredients will add notes far more complex than just raggedy old cow. Old Mooey cannot make chocolate milk out of those teats! You should brag about this in front of the barnyard so your cow starts to feel utterly under-appreciated.


Blend your milk.

Next, add all your ingredients to your blender and swirl that oat milk around. Let the sound of the blender be a battle cry for your liberation from the shackles of your cow’s rancid vibes. If you think about it, drinking all that raw unprocessed milk straight from Betsy made your stomach feel real bad, and maybe that’s on you, but also she’s been sort of passive aggressive for probably a month now. Always exhaling loudly and stomping her little cow feet around in a way in a way where it’s just like, “Hi? Can I help you?” Enough.


Strain and enjoy near your cow.

Strain your milk through a cheesecloth until it’s as smooth as the satisfaction that you will feel after winning a petty argument with a cow. Gulp your oat milk while staring into the eyes of your cow, then let her know how delicious it is. Brag about how you made this milk all by yourself, with just oats and a blender. You’re probably going to feel guilty as soon as you do this, but try to fight that off. You’re in control. It’s fine.



After a while, she will feel the pressure of her milk and spite building up in her udders. Be careful. Cows are massive softies on the inside with vengeful streaks. She could devise a whole farm animal rebellion, and believe me you do not want the sheep talking shit about you. But anyway, enjoy your homemade oat milk! It tastes like oats.