According to a new study, Earth has likely started undergoing a mass extinction phase, which will result in an exceptional loss of biodiversity. But don’t let the sobering fact that the planet’s losing vertebrate species at a rate 114 times faster than normal distract from your number one priority: you! That’s right; just as any frown can be turned upside down, any news of the planet being on the brink of absolute crisis can be brought back to a glowing discussion of Y-O-U! And no, not in the guilt-ridden “as a human, I contribute to climate change, and therefore, mass extinction” type of discussion. More in the, “How good do my eyelash extensions look in this humid weather?” kind of way. Here are some tips on making sure the topic of you never goes extinct:
Be an expert historian on the subject of You.
The last time a mass extinction happened, no one was there. So, make it matter that 65 million years after the last mass extinction, you’re still here! When extinction talk begins, corral the discussion to you, how your night was last night, the pressing matters of this past work week, maybe even sprinkle in a little bit about your hunger or other immediate needs. Dinosaurs didn’t tend to their needs. And guess what? Dinosaurs aren’t here anymore. Survival of the fittest, baby!
Be the most upset.
Use the news of the mass extinction to be upset. The most upset. So upset that people will ask, “Hey, what’s really going on with you? Seems like it’s a little more than this extinction business…” Then, easing in, you can say: “Well, okay, I am SUPER upset about this extinction…but I feel like I’m not good enough and that I hate myself and I’m gonna be alone FOREVER!” Boom, you’re off and running to You-Town in no time, at the same rapid pace that biodiversity is dwindling!
Deny the science and affirm your belief in You.
If you’re not willing to entertain pretty irrefutable scientific facts about the precarious nature of the environment, or if you just want to pretend you don’t believe in order to promote your own agenda of You-ness, this strategy can also work:
Friend: “Did you hear about this mass extinction thing?”
You: “You really believe that? Puh-leeze! Let’s talk about something that’s really happening—are you coming out to my party tonight!?!!?!!”
Manipulate.
When all else fails, just strong-arm it. When someone is talking about the mass extinction with concern, turn it around on them, “Wow, sounds like you care about a bunch of Yangtze friggin’ dolphins more about the person standing right in front of you!” They’ll say, “No, it’s not about you,” and yeah, you know that, but what does it matter now? Especially now that, voila, it IS about you?
With these tactics, you can take attention away from the dire issues of mass extinction, because hey, you’ve got to make sure that Earth continues to revolve around you!
