Looking to impress your friends who grew up in stable environments with parents who are still happily married this holiday season? Simply follow our handy guide to making the perfect gingerbread house while burying your own repressed memories of the broken home you grew up in!
What you’ll need:
6 pieces of pre-baked gingerbread
Vanilla icing in pastry bag
Gumdrops, candy canes, licorice, peppermints, and chocolate bar
Step 1: Create a strong foundation for the house
Insert the icing into the pastry bag and use it as glue to hold the four gingerbread walls and the two pieces of gingerbread for the roof together. It’s important that the base of the house is sturdy so that it’s not easily destroyed when adding more items to it. Another way to facilitate this is for your family members to say, “I love you” to each other just once and acknowledge the fact that they’d be upset if you were to die or move to Seattle unexpectedly.
Step 2: Remove all potential exits
Place a small block of chocolate as the front door to the gingerbread house and then quickly remove it, guaranteeing that your Dad can never walk out of it and leave your family behind. Repeat this step for the back door that connects to the garage, where you once saw him enter late at night with a woman who wasn’t your mother when she was away on a business trip, which you later found out was a lie to cover up her own affair.
Step 3: Avoid powdered sugar
Anything resembling cocaine will trigger your stepsister’s former addiction; so keep this gingerbread house snow-free in every aspect to prevent her codependency from kicking in. Powdered sugar is too messy, anyway!
Step 4: Don’t use the chocolate
Keep chocolate out of the gingerbread house so that the family dog you’ve had for years and who meant more to your parents than you probably did won’t end up consuming all of it, leading to his death and the eventual breakup of your family. You should have only used the chocolate blocks for the door from step 2, which you removed anyway so that no one can leave forever.
Step 5: Put the house up for sale
Once you’re done decorating the outside of the gingerbread house with the remaining candy, it’s time to put the house on the market and not end up fighting with your siblings about whether it should stay in the family instead of splitting the sale price and moving on with your lives. It’s best for none of you to hold on to a home that stored so many shitty memories for everyone. Plus, no one likes the taste of gingerbread, really.
Serves: 4; 3 if Dad inevitably walks out midway through.
There you have it – a sort of cheerful holiday home!
