How to Grow Your Bangs Out So Much You Escape the Surveillance State

The worst thing about having bangs is growing them out, but what if you could weaponize your bangs as a tool to resist the surveillance state? It’s no secret that we are constantly surveilled by big tech, but in these short steps you can have bangs that cover all of your facial features to conceal your true identity and finally escape the surveillance state once and for all.


Drink water

Ok, everyone says drink lots of water but it’s true: Your bangs need lots of water to flourish far past your chin! Just think of all the Ring cameras you can dodge and all the packages you can steal! Drink up. Baby. Remember it’s a step closer to your endgame of total anonymity as you roam the streets.


Skip the trims

Do not! I repeat, do not let a pair of scissors get anywhere close to your face. For the best results skip trims for at least five years. Hey, we never said this was gonna be easy, growing out your bangs takes so long. Plus, you have to pay the cost if you want to be the person who escapes government surveillance with use of their extensive fringe.



Scalp and Webcam Massage?

Done correctly, a scalp massage can be revolutionary act against the surveillance state. For best results, use jojoba oil; you can use the leftover oil to drench your webcam until it is rendered unusable by even the most perverted FBI agent.


Remember that time the that took a picture of you racing through that red light and right into that old lady’s dog? Awkward! That whole situation would have been solved with really long bangs. With these tips, your bangs will grow down to your feet so your entire being is covered in hair. What a rebellious way to say fuck you to the surveillance state!