No one wants their mom to be lonely after her divorce, but that doesn’t mean we want to hear about her new boyfriend’s dick. Whether she’s talking about the size of his “snake” or the flavor of his “sausage,” you can get her mind out of the gutter by employing a few simple tactics:
Let’s say your mom had a date last night and because you’re a loving, supportive, daughter who values her mother’s happiness you say, “What did you guys do?” and she replies, “Well, it’s more what did his dick do,” and before you can say, “STOP,” she’s talking about “Viagra” and “five magical hours that left her raw.” The best thing to do is be just a little less supportive. Change the subject to how well you’re now able to pay down your student loans with your new job. She’ll be so proud and relieved she’ll forget that she ever experienced that amazing dick.
A more scarring issue may be your mom’s new collection of dick pics. You may get a text from your mom that reads, “Look at my new washing machine!” and the next thing you know she has accidently sent a blurred image of her boyfriend’s penis because divorced dads don’t even know how to take a dick pic right. The only true safeguard is to never open her texts. She’ll start to think you’re mad at her about the and just leave you alone for a while.
The most awful thing you may have to endure is your mother’s graphic descriptions of his “amazing penis.” You might think that it will stop with the endless rants about his “veins, formidable shaft, and well-kempt pubic hair,” but think of all the disgustingly mom-ish ways she can add flourish! Green-thumbed moms might liken it to a “sturdy trunk that bends in the moist soil” and crafty moms might see it as a “thick needle piercing a soft ball of yarn.” Sensual moms might end their description with nothing but “mmmm,” over and over again. If you find yourself caught in a trap of “mmmm”, the best solution is to burst into tears. If there’s one thing mom’s love more than good sex, it’s being a loving, supportive mother. But that dick is a pretty close second, so you better commit.
If these tactics seem insensitive, consider what you already did to console her throughout the divorce itself. Now that she’s back on her feet, it’s time to remind her who this relationship is really all about: not his dick. When she’s pushing 90, she can talk about dicks all she wants. Until then, encourage her to spare the hard details.