How to Get the Thick, Possibly Cursed Eyelashes of a Vintage Baby Doll

Nothing compares to the timeless beauty and elegance of full eyelashes. It’s a dramatic look that demands attention, but like everything worth having in this life, it comes at a cost. Here’s what you’ll need – and everything you may lose ­– to achieve the thick, possibly cursed eyelashes of a vintage baby doll.



Moisturize your lashes.

Your eyelash health is essential to future growth, and hydrated lashes are healthy eyelashes! Apply some coconut or olive oil to your lash base with a Q-Tip before bed for the best results. Lubricating your lids will also help soften the “plink!” sound of your eyes jolting open when your body goes from lying down to upright. Uh-oh! Are these spindly eye hairs cursed? Who knows, but probably yes!


Get plenty of sleep.

We know you’re sick of hearing it, but every part of your body operates best when it’s getting enough sleep! Of course, getting in those vital 8 hours can be hard when you keep sleepwalking to the foot of your roommate’s bed and hovering over them while you sleep (lashes looking gorg!). Their screams will inevitably cut your beauty rest short, but you can avoid this by tying yourself to your bed or sleeping in the shadowy corners of a locked closet. You’re this close to lashes that will make people say, “Ohmyfuckinggod, why is she sleeping sitting up with her eyes open in the closet?” Sounds cursèd to us!


Play your lashes soothing music.

Soothing music has been shown to improve the growth of plants, and it can’t hurt the length and girth of your lashes either. Play something calming like a wistful lullaby from a rusty old music box, and rock yourself into relaxation mode. While you sit there listening to a haunting, mechanical refrain, your eyeballs — shiny with olive oil — reflecting the moonlight, your brutally thick vintage doll lashes will be growing at unstoppable speeds. Wow, you are truly cursed as fuck, but your eye visors are strong.



So go put on a dirtied old nightgown and lie stiffly on your side, synthetic hair matted and heart frozen from the neglect of those who jumped ship when your big eyelashes got all cursed. You look good!