How To Get Him To Treat You Half As Well As He Treats His Dog

So the guy you’re hanging out with has some work to do before he is truly emotionally available. At least, that’s what you thought, until you met his dog, who he has no problem saying, “I love you” to. As he cuddles his pup and tells her he missed her and how she’s been doing while he was out, you may wonder, “Why does he seem perfectly capable of showing emotions to a dog but not me?!” Here’s how to get him to treat you at least half as well as he treats his dog, who he clearly wants to spend the rest of his life with.


Rename Yourself His Dog’s Name

This way is the fastest and easiest way to get him to give you a fraction of the attention he gives his dumb beagle. Just get a petition for name change, have it notarized, file it with the civil clerk of your county, go to your name change hearing and publish your new name. Now, your name is Pepper, and whenever he says, ‘Good Pepper! Good girl!’ you can run into his arms and he’ll have no choice but to cuddle you. You are a good Pepper! But not as good as dog Pepper!


Be Like Soooo Tiny

If you want a man to love you like he loves that tiny animal incapable of complex human emotion, just have to be as tiny as you can when you’re sleeping in his bed. This means fetal position, except you fold up one more time than what feels normal or comfortable. You may be saying, “This isn’t worth it”. But, when he’s half-asleep and feels a lump in the bed that he thinks is his sweet puppy but is actually you being so tiny, he’ll nuzzle it and say, ‘You’re the best baby ever’. Then, you can release your tiny position, unveiling your long body and whisper, ‘It’s me, a girl.’ He’ll learn, dogs are girls, girls are dogs: he can love both! Even though he’ll obviously love dogs way more always.



Don’t Talk, Ever

Oh, you’re worried that not talking will defeat the purpose of this entire how-to article? Don’t be, monks do it all the time!! Vow never to talk again, just like dogs did when God made them. You can have lots of thoughts, but you mustn’t say them. If you think about it, it sorta feels like he doesn’t give a crap if you say them anyway, so why not do both of you a favor and shut the fuck up! Without you yapping on about your thoughts, ideas and dreams, he’ll start to treat you so well as a reward for being so easy to get along with!! When your mouth stays shut, you can finally be this man’s best friend, or at least, like, an acquaintance!!


Some of these will take some effort on your part, but another thing dogs are is always happy!!! Woof!! No, shut up!! Good girl!!