How to Get Beachy Waves Without Having to Fuck the Ocean

Hair Crisis

If you’re nowhere near the shore, fun, beachy waves can be difficult look to achieve. But just because you’re stuck in an office most of the day doesn’t mean you can’t simulate that summery look without having to go to the ocean, tell it you love it, then let it plow you for hours on end! All you need are the right products and a little know-how to get that beachy coif without having to actually fuck the ocean.


Take a shower.

Taking a shower is the best way to simulate having been fucked HARD by the ocean in your own home. When you emerge with tousled, wet hair, you’ll look just like Blake Lively in that movie The Shallows where she has sex with the ocean then paddle surfs away for nine hours – hot! Wetness gives your hair a base for applying product so you can retain a beachy look all day that says, “I shoved my head right into the ocean’s salty maw like a fist into a sock puppet.”


Spritz with salt spray.

Spritz your hair with salt spray to recreate the texture you’d naturally get from swallowing the ocean inside all your holes, without actually having to do it. Hold the spray can a few inches away and then just spritz at your hair until every strand has been covered with replicate ocean jizz. This produces the exact tresses your friends will see and ask, “So did the ocean ever text you back?” No, it didn’t! You guys neither exchanged numbers, nor fucked.


Roughly blow dry.

Roughly blow-dry your hair to give it a texture that says, “A big wave swallowed me whole and then tumble-fucked me around in its tummy like a jellyfish in a dryer.” Blow-dry your hair as unevenly as possible though! You want to look effortless, as though you totally fucked the ocean by accident. But really, you didn’t fuck the ocean at all. Shh! That’s entirely your secret to tell or keep as you choose – the ocean can’t say anything because it’s technically never met you.



Fuck your hair with your hands.

Since you can’t get the ocean to fuck you, fuck your hair with your hands to get the same look. Just flip your head upside down and tousle away like your hands are horny water and your hair is where sex happens. That’s perfect! Now you have the loose, carefree curls of someone who’s straddled the sea.


It’s summertime! If you want to get the beachy waves of someone who just ran downshore yelling, “Fuck me! Fuck me right now!” at the ocean, then follow these tips. You’ll look like a saltwater bride and a friend to sand crabs in no time!