So your dad has a bomb-ass La-Z-Boy chair in his basement, but this isn’t a your average La-Z-Boy—it’s got killer massage capabilities and a nice, wide armrest that’s just begging to be straddled. Since you’ve maxed out on humping the La-Z-Boy for this Saturday afternoon, it’s time to let someone else have the ride of her life. Needless to say, all your girlfriends are dying for a chance to ride this poor man’s mechanical bull and the pressure is on you to decide who gets to go next! Here are some tips on how to arrange the humping order, without any hurt feelings.
Rock, Paper, Scissors
Classic because it works! When all your besties are itching for that slow grind on the LZB, draft up a quick rock, paper, scissors tournament bracket. It’s a clean and easy way to make such a tough decision without any responsibility on your shoulders. It’s up to your horned-up friends to choose their hand-weapons wisely. Your friends’ hips will gyrate relentlessly as they snap, “Are we going on SCISSORS or SHOOT?” The sexual tension is overwhelming, especially with the chair just feet away! The tournament winner can ride the LZB into the sunset, no questions asked.
High Stakes Poker
Let your squad’s collective pelvic needs simmer over several hours of dramatically lit poker. Poker is all about reading your opponents; in this case, reading which opponent most deeply wishes to jackhammer your dad’s lounge chair. If you don’t know how to play poker, Uno will probably work just fine. The inherent drama of a poker game pales in comparison to the sexual euphoria achieved in just minutes with the La-Z-Boy, which your dad bought on sale at Sears. This method will get one lucky buddy from poker face to O-face in no time!
Casual Heptathalon
At first glance, seven track and field events might seem like a bit much. All this for rubbing ladyparts on an expensive chair (that was 20% off)? Why not just a single race? In order to be intimate with the LZB, one must prove one’s worth. A test of all-around athleticism is the most dimensional, effective way to see who most needs to get chair-fucked. Your pals will sprint, hurdle, and high-jump their way to masturbatory bliss. They’ll channel Olympic heroes who surely get laid all the time given their immaculate bodies, unlike your gaggle of horny cronies. Let the horniest rise to glory and experience the good pleasure of a La-Z-Boy armrest.
Gladiator-Style Fight To The Death
You’re probably thinking, “What?! Who would be willing to die for a chance on my dad’s La-Z-Boy?” The answer: your desperate, horny friends who are willing to kill for the chance to mount a piece of your furniture. You’ve been spoiled rotten, with all the one-on-one time with the LZB you’d ever want. Your friends aren’t so blessed. (No judgment! But maybe take a moment to really appreciate how much top-notch masturbation you’ve had in this life.) Luckily, your parents’ backyard makes the perfect DIY Colosseum for a quick death match. Fashion some makeshift weaponry out of sticks in the yard, and let the brawl commence. The winner, of course, is the last one living! Now get on in there and hump!
There you have it: a few simple ways to evaluate your friends’ candidacies for the next chair-humper. We know this isn’t an easy decision to make, and we’re proud to help you through it. Whichever method you choose, when all is said and done, will leave you alone with that glorious chair at the end of the day.
