Sup, homies. As a man, my huge male brain has a biologically enhanced capacity for taking in knowledge. That’s just science. Also, I love tatas. So you better believe I learned a lot this week.
Gotta say before #NoBraDay hit, I just wasn’t aware of the sizes, shapes, and varieties of breasts out there. And also… something about cancer. But forget about that—I’m not trying to harsh my own boner over here! I’m just trying to look at some Notorious B.O.O.Bs, if you know what I mean. (Talkin’ bout TITS.)
After taking the day off and studying upward of 1,000 pictures on my phone, I have definitely increased my awareness of the female upper half, as well as which boobies are too nice to slice! Those dumbass oncologists can step off for a sec, cuz I’m a licensed knockersommelier. Here’s a rundown for all you gentleman scholars of what you need to know about chest bumpies. Oh, and hey, Megan. Nice pic.
We Gotta Have those Big, Bouncy Breasts
Some women have really, really big breasts. We’re talking mountain ranges! If you drizzle chocolate sauce on these milk jugs, they’d look exactly like sundaes that melted all over the plate! They’re cozy, fun to squeeze, and just made for being boobs. Women are abundance itself. I would be extremely sorry to lose these breasts to cancer or another dude or whatever. Sup, Megan?
Teeny, Trifling Breasts Can Get It, Too
Little ones are so cute and rubbery, I just want to squish them like stress balls and recruit my mom to knit little Steelers hats for them. I’ve heard that women are sometimes super insecure about having these, and I just want all you ladies to know: you are FIIIIIIINE! I mean, sure I’m saying that so I can get inside your pussy, but when I’m safely inside your pussy everything about you honestly is fine. And don’t worry—if you lose them because they’re full of rapidly dividing cells you’ll still look pretty much the same! Maybe let’s chill sometime before you do get cancer. Also hey Megan, remember yesterday?
One Breast is Still a Boob
Sometimes a woman has already lost one to the C Bomb. I can relate, it reminds me of when my dad lost one of his boys downstairs. The good thing about these is, it creates a nice space on her chest where you can lay your head and look contemplatively at the other one and appreciate the miracle of breasts and women, cuz women are the ones who give us life, love, and halfway decent handjobs sometimes. I would be bummed if the woman I were seeing lost a boob to the knife, but also slightly not bummed, because then I’d have an unobstructed view of the Death Proof poster on my wall. Hey Meg, it’d be so tight if you posted another #NoBraDay pic right now. Ha ha. Just kidding.
All Different Sizes of Nips are Awesome
Every woman’s chest looks like the control panel of a different spaceship. I imagine that when you beep them they all make different science fiction sounds. Some women have little pointy nubs that would make a soft “Drrrp!”, and some women have giant buttons that would start alarms blaring and send you into orbit in about five seconds! When I stare intensely into these it also looks like eyes are staring back. Nips, man. They see through us. Amazing. Except the kinds that are tattooed on because of cancer or whatever. Gross. Go sit in a hospital somewhere; we’re talking about boobs! Sorry about your mom, Meg.
Fake Tits are Gross
Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows I am NOT a fan of plastic. The last thing I wanna feel when I’m copping a feel is some freaky-ass Barbie shit. Apparently sometimes cancer ladies get their tits reconstructed after getting them chopped off so they don’t die and can still feel feminine or whatever. To those ladies, I say: Natural is better! Keep those sweater puppies nice and soft for Dada! Where you going, Meg?
Well, I hope I’ve given you a rundown of what I learned about breasts today. Take the wisdom and spread it wide, boys! Oh, and if you come on her tits afterward right after pulling out it decreases the chances of babies and probably cancer and it’s a great way to finish. Also, Meg is a bitch.