For years, my friends have asked me, “Hey, why do you eat like that?” LOL. People get weirded out because I’m always eating a spoonful of peanut butter here, or a pile of apple skins there. But hey, jokes on them I guess. Everyone thought I was just a senselessly weird eater, until I turned those habits into a cute, profitable blog read by millions every week!
My super cute blog, “Munch Up!” details the rationale behind my quirky eating habits, a healthful vision I developed mainly to justify my weird habits (but don’t tell my readers!). Now people are convinced I eat one walnut, one almond, two soybeans, and five chia seeds every morning because it is the perfect combination of fatty acids and other nutrients, rather than a lingering symptom of my OCD. Plus, it makes for a really beautiful Instagram!
Since I started the blog, I’ve sold three books based off my senseless urge to boil prunes, slice them in half, lay them on my eyes for five minutes and then eat them. They are tasty and a good source of fiber, but don’t let my blog post about it fool you – I’ve been doing this since I was ten for no good reason! I have a very complicated relationship with food. LOL.
My blog also explains why I don’t just massage my kale – I massage most of my foods, including sweet potatoes, leeks, corn and my pet aloe plant, Jonathan. In real life, it’s mostly just something that makes me feel calmer, like a stress ball, but according to the blog, it helps break down the plant cells in ways your teeth can’t. Someone in San Francisco is starting an entire restaurant based on this weird habit of mine! He’s an idiot. (But don’t tell him – he’s a friend of the blog!)
Another crazy thing I like to do is shave thin slices of carrot and cucumber, lay them out in the sun to dry, and then eat them like a fruit leather but without any taste. There is no reason for this except the made up reason on my blog – that the ultraviolet rays activate certain enzymes and make it more nutritious and great for an on-the-go snack. Oh also I imagine that they are dying and screaming for help before their pain turns into slow moans over the course of the day. It’s just a fun weird way I like to eat!! LOL but really that one does taste pretty bad.
I’ve made so much money from “Munch Up!” It’s allowed me to photograph myself chewing on avocado pits in cities across the globe. I’m so psyched I’ve turned my unnatural and disordered eating habits into such a chic little revenue source!