Historians Discover Three Wise Men Completely Ignored Mary’s Baby Registry

In a breaking new historical finding, Columbia University anthropologists and historians have confirmed that when the three wise men arrived at the birth of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, their gifts went completely against the baby registry that Mary had made and sent out to everyone.


Historians note that this was a super shitty thing to do, given the circumstances.


We were able to reach out to Gia Johnston, head researcher at Columbia University, to talk more about what they found.


“Sure, it was pretty cool that the three wise men located their position solely using the North star,” Johnston said. “But that doesn’t make it any less annoying that they all blatantly ignored the registry – even the really cheap stuff that was easy to find pretty much anywhere.”


New findings point to the fact that Mary was really annoyed at the three men, but she was pretty occupied with the birth of the Lord to really say anything about it in the moment.


“She didn’t show it, but Mary was actually super pissed,” Johnston told us. “She didn’t talk to any of them for a long time afterwards.”


Mary had originally asked for a crib, a stroller, a bottle, a few sets of clothes, and a changing mat, but it seems that no one got the memo, or they all just deliberately ignored it.


“Really? Gold, frankincense, and myrrh?” a new translation from Mary’s recently uncovered tablets read. “What the hell am I supposed to do with these?”


Not only did Mary have to birth in a stable, but she and Joseph also had to shell out the extra money to pay for all the things that their baby actually needed.


“If any of them invite me to the birth of their children,” one translation of Mary states. “They better believe that I won’t be getting anything on their registry, either, I swear to God.”


The historians at Columbia University agree that it was a pretty fucked up thing to do.


“Somehow they have the wherewithal to track the North star,” Johnston said. “But not enough to get the gifts Mary asked for? It’s pretty rude, in my professional opinion.”



But while the three wise men didn’t get Mary anything that was on her registry, she obviously persevered while raising Jesus Christ. She still held a grudge for many years, though.