How to Hire An Assistant Who Won’t Betray You And Steal Your Identity

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Women in the workplace are gaining positions of power more than ever. If you’re climbing that ladder to the top, you know that a good assistant can make all the difference, but a bad assistant can use your secrets to destroy you and steal everything you hold dear. Here are some easy tips for picking an assistant who won’t take over your life and steal your entire identity!


Aim low.
Remember to avoid the SHAYs: Smart, Hot, Ambitious and Younger­than­you’s. These qualities are almost always a deadly combination found in women who want to destroy you for their own gain. Instead, look for PLODs: Plain, Lazy, Old, and Dumb. There’s little chance they’ll repurpose your ideas as their own to gain visibility. How could they? They don’t even understand what the company does. Hell, they can barely read. And they can’t steal your man if they don’t fit into your clothes!


Opposites attract.
Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but it’s also the first warning sign that someone wants to steal your life. For example, if you’re a journalist, don’t hire the fresh­faced J-school grad with the killer clips. You know, the one who reminds you of yourself. Instead, look for the middle-aged mom returning to the workforce who put “sewing” on her resume and loves Pinterest but doesn’t fully understand how it works. No threat there.



Look for applicants who take initiative, then throw their resumes away.
You don’t want an assistant who will reorganize your closet on a whim or install a great new app for managing your contacts. They’re just trying to get into your good graces so they can use this same energy to infiltrate your life. Those same “self­starters” could change the security codes to your house or mis-schedule all your date nights so that your fiancé starts to feel neglected and wants to delay the wedding. Pick candidates who seem like they hardly have the energy to get out of bed in the morning, let alone turn all your loved ones against you.


Downplay your success.
Life thieves are attracted to women who have it all, so act like you don’t! While interviewing assistants, play up the fact your job is really stressful and hard, you’re not making as much money as everyone thinks, or do a lousy job on your hair that day. Nobody can envy what isn’t enviable! EXCEPTION: Do NOT talk about problems in your marriage. For treacherous man-hoarding women, that’s blood in the water.


When in doubt, hire a straight man.
Worst-case scenario? You’ll have sex with him. At least he’ll never sleep with your loving husband! Straight men have no sense of drama, or your worth, and will never try to steal your career. Play it safe!


Remember these tips when you post that job opening, and your relationships, career, and overall life will be safe and sound! Unless your assistant is just that good at hiding her true nature, and it’s all part of a plan to get you to lower your defenses. Actually, maybe you don’t need an assistant after all.