Like many, I found myself desperate for income in a dismal job market with no hope for long-term hiring. With the government failing to cancel rent and protect us from eviction during a global health crisis, it feels like ethical hiring practices are not an option in the moral vacuum we exist in.
I just wish I knew before lying on my resume would lead to a life of converting 12-year-old prep school kids into a competing scrappy garage band.
I consider myself a good person with good morals and qualifications–not to mention my insane musical talents and beloved stage presence–but I’m an adult with bills. That’s why when the opportunity for my roommate to take on a short-term position as a substitute teacher presented itself, I took it (for him). Who am I to turn my back on the next generation growing up in a broken world when I can actually do something like help them absolutely shred a Led Zeppelin cover? Do you know how hard it is to license their music?
Lying on your resume is one thing. Of course, I was worried I would get caught during the interview or third-party background check or when they called my references, but I desperately needed the job. Oops! Fortunately the identity I stole already existed.
I’ve read countless advice columns on resumes and cover letters, but it’s all boring, empty words like “use action verbs” or “curate each new resume and cover letter for the job” or “apply early.” Literally none of that makes sense or helps even remotely. I personally think it’s okay to embellish and spruce things up here and there on your resume, but impersonating an education professional put me in this totally stressful situation of directing a bunch of self-conscious prep school preteens to absolutely fucking destroy it at Battle of the Bands.
Do I regret my actions? Duh, I’m not a monster! I felt guilty as soon as I got caught! I mean, listen: it worked for me. Just keep in mind that lying before you even start the job can snowball into a totally convoluted fabrication of who you are. Mark Twain once said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Like, ever watch Mad Men? That’s all I’ll say.
Do I recommend this to others? I provided these young children with enriching opportunities that allowed them to gain confidence, learn more about themselves during their formative years, and become closer with their peers. Plus the audience fucking LOVED them (in their defense, they did think those kids were chronically ill)! So maybe it is okay to lie on your resume, unless you’re my doctor or lawyer. And I need a good lawyer soon.
