When it comes to expressing ourselves, our hair is the first thing that tells people that we are just going through some things right now and just shut up about it, okay? Here are the perfect haircuts to tell all the people in your life that you’re going through some shit:
Pixie Cut: This super short ’do is a great way to announce that the bank foreclosed on your home and you can no longer afford the $300 weekly keratin treatments that got you here in the first place. Be sure to wear it messy, without any product besides your own scalp grease.
Hair Past Your Butt: Your never-ending locks are a great way to let everyone know that you’re a hoarder with a crippling fear of death. The weird way that it thins out at your split ends will tell people to stay out of your way at the pet store, the laundromat, and the sushi bar!
The Bob: A perfectly coiffed square bob is perfect for when your husband, Bob, cheats on you with his 23-year-old secretary, Kandy. The look will let friends know that you’re a strong, independent woman who’s just barely holding it together, so they better not ask too many questions right now and should instead heartily applaud your new homemaking hobbies.
The Asymmetrical Bob: A slight twist on the traditional bob, this cut is perfect for when your husband, Bob, cheats on you with another man named Bob, then you tried to win Bob I back by joining them in a threesome only to get pregnant with Bob II’s baby. Since you’re approaching menopause and have one remaining egg, you decide to keep it. Bob I and Bob II show up every day to check on you and want to name her Liza Minelli. You’re trying to appear happy to have their support and not still reeling from the damage Bob I has done. Trust us, people will get it right away when they see this brave cut.
When it comes to picking your new ’do, keep it loose. Remember: hair will grow back, but the emotional scars last forever.