Group Decides They Can Tolerate Kat Tonight if She Brings the Drugs

Last Friday, a group of friends heading to Tonya Greene’s 24th birthday unanimously decided they would tolerate sorta-friend Kat for the duration of the party as long she supplied “the drugs”.


Kat, who close friends of Greene call a “fringe friend” and “not close enough to be a frenemy,” was invited via Facebook ten minutes before the party started, after a group text revealed a communal lack of drug availability. All other guests were informed of the party through their standard group text, months in advance.


“Kat doesn’t stop talking, she interrupts everyone constantly, and steamrolls the conversation with unintelligible nonsense at a pitch reserved for dolphins,” says Greene. “That said, she always has great drugs.”


While Kat has been known to pass out in the bathroom before midnight, vomit into kitchen sinks, raid medicine cabinets and lose multiple cell phones, her afterthought invitation was considered a “necessary evil” from every attendee except Greene’s neighbor, Steve Finn, who left because he reportedly “just couldn’t take it tonight, especially on drugs.”



“I ran into her in Target last week and had to listen to her tell me a story about three people I don’t know,” said Finn, via Snapchat. “I’m full-up on her bullshit for at least another month.”


Still, Moore insists that the tradeoff makes sense considering the group’s financial situation. “We’re all pretty broke. If we bought our own drugs, we wouldn’t have enough money for booze, or the sweet piñata I was able to fill with Kat’s drugs. Tolerating Kat is how we pay for drugs.”


When the party began, guests reported immediate disappointment when the Facebook “going” tally was much higher than the actual turnout. When Kat arrived, though, the mood noticeably shifted to an even combination of both dread and excitement.


“I choose whether or not to hang out with the Kat kinda the same way I vote in a presidential election: Neither option is ideal, but at least one of them gets me high enough to cope. Does that make sense? I’m pretty fucked up,” says Steve, who changed his mind about attending when he received 15 texts from Tonya containing only the pill emoji.


“Kat is always desperate for friends, and we’re always desperate for drugs. It’s like those fish that clean the hippos. Or is it birds? Am I high?” asks Greg, Tonya’s boyfriend.


As the party died down, the hosts agreed that putting up with Kat was still way more worth it than what they went through with Lizz, whose parents own a boat.