Girls With Short Hair Are Worthless Clickbait


by Anton McGoonis

Hey, unfuckable fuck objects. It’s me, a hyper-masculine writer troll. I know you’re all just sitting back enjoying your kitten videos and essays about Paris study-abroad, but papa needs some page views. So here we go:

Short-haired girls are literally the Holocaust.

It is real nice of you to suck our dicks, but really I’d much rather call you a queer in front of your family. Fuck you for not being pretty. This is a primal thing. Women need to have hair down to their butts; otherwise society falls apart. Me Tarzan, you Skrillex. Stop shaving your temples. I want to murder you like an animal.

You already clicked on this, right?

Your hair should grow long so I can use it to choke you when you start talking about going back for your PhD. All my tennis office whitebuds like to have boners, and when you express yourself, you oppress our boners. And oppressing white boners is rape.

You posted this on Facebook, right?

Girls with short hair should be burned for fuel. They already do this in Estonia probably, why not here? Long hair is what showed the cavemen which cavewomen they shouldn’t feed to awesome saber tooth tigers. Fuck your woman head, have hair that is long because boner rape bros rape boners is life.

You tagged your friends who read Jezebel, right?

White Man Authors blah blah blah Evolutionary Psychology blah blah Men’s Rights blah blah blah Reverse Racism blah blah blah Fedora. Fuck you.

In conclusion, rape rape rape rape rape.

My book drops in September. Blog about it.