We all know that first dates can be hard—how are you expected to demonstrate your conjugal worth in such a short time? You don’t want to disrupt his story about switching to DirectTV with a long-winded description of your assets, but it is important for him to know your situation so that he can take you seriously as a marriage prospect! Luckily for you, there are plenty of ways to talk cows and linens without seeming desperate. Here are ten hot tips on how to make sure he knows that you’ll be an obedient wife in the streets and wealthy heiress in the 1500-count sheets!
1. Describe the grounds of your future home.
Make sure to bring up that you spent your childhood summers on an estate, complete with a farm boasting able livestock and fertile fields. Then mention offhand how your parents are eager to get this estate settled in the hands of your future husband so it can be “properly” managed. He’ll invite you up for a nightcap for sure!
2. Ask about his siblings in the hope that he asks you about yours!
Make sure to mention that you have five sisters, all of whom are married, and at this point your parents are willing to pay anything to get you off of their hands. Linger on the “anything.” This guy is going to return your texts!
3. Relate your current surroundings to your assets.
Comment on his great taste in restaurants! Then talk about how the only place you’ve ever seen chair upholstery this nice is on the antique mahogany chaise lounges stored in your parents’ basement, the ones they’re saving for your someday husband. Go ahead, order that steak!
4. Showcase the goods.
If he compliments you on your brooch, and he will, because your mom let you wear the 35-carat emerald, tell him that your parents own a number of prized jewels, all of which they are very willing to part with if only someone will look past your family medical history and the “honeymoon death curse”! You’re a stallion of a woman with sloping shoulders and a strong womb! He’d be crazy not to marry you!
5. Mention the kidnapping.
Uh oh, did Number 4 on this list trip him up? Don’t sweat it! You can get right back on track by talking about the time you were kidnapped until your parents agreed to pay a million dollars for your freedom! Because to them, you’re worth a million dollars! In pure gold! Plus, you’re already at the mini golf course; he might as well go through with the date!
6. Flaunt those horses.
Ask him a little about himself! What kind of car does he drive? An Audi A4? And how much horsepower does that have? As much as, say…100 actual dressage horses? Has he ever seen 100 dressage horses? Would he like to? What if he could have his pick for riding, any day of the month? Any well-bred man would like that.
7. Be the dowry.
Flash him a smile! What’s that, oh, your gold tooth? All of your teeth can be gold as soon as he says the word!
8. Practice selective hearing!
When he says, “Are you ready to go?” you say, “Did you say ‘Van Gogh’? Did I mention that my family owns five original, never-before-seen Van Goghs that are just waiting to be mounted on the walls of the tony downtown penthouse that they’re bequeathing to me and my groom?” He’ll be silent with desire!
9. Pique his interest with real estate.
Ask him if he’s ever thought about buying a home, or owning any property. “In this economy?” he’ll say, with a smile. Ask him what he thinks about a particular piece of property on the market that will pay him, comes with a yacht, and will never make him wear a condom? Surprise: it’s you, a member of the landed gentry! Look out, you might’ve just caught yourself a husband!
10. Get it in writing.
By now it seems like it’s a done deal! Not so fast: Call in your parents, who’ve been waiting outside in the car, to tell them the good news! Have them talk to him for you while you patiently and silently sit under the table waiting for them to reach an agreement and get it all on paper. Your future is bright!
Who says a first date can’t be the start of a beautiful ownership? If you follow these ten steps exactly, we guarantee that not only will you land the man of your parents’ dreams, but he might also agree to still call you by your name! Because remember, you’re worth it. Or at least worth a sum that can be negotiated.
