This week, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration officially approved naturally occurring “nervous poops” for the purpose of weight loss. Nervous poops are defined as defecating many times in large quantities due to feelings of nervousness, anxiety, or excitement. This announcement comes on the heels of a study stating that 98% of respondents wish their jeans would lay just a little flatter.
“We at the FDA are thrilled with this advancement,” said FDA director of nutrition and weight loss Dr. Brittany Weber. “Many Americans try weight loss pills or fad diets, but nervous pooping, or NP for short, is completely safe for the purposes of weight loss. Along with a balanced diet and exercise, nervous pooping is indicated for a body weight reduction of up to 1% in a single day. This is a real game-changer.”
In the study, both male and female subjects were placed individually in a well-lit room with a toilet once a week for three months. Participants were then confronted with anxiety-inducing stimuli based on what caused them NP in the past.
Some listed events for nervousness included: “planning to see an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend,” “going on a date with a man who looks like my dad,” “telling Carly she was right after all and I’m sorry,” “making a speech in front of the whole company,” and “meeting Oprah.” On average, participants lost a total of eight-and-a-half pounds over the three-month study.
“Being that stressed and excited all the time completely changed my life,” says one anonymous participant. “I really did poop out a lot of poop.”
The time for acquiring NP varied anywhere from forty-five minutes (“auditioning for a middle school musical”) to seven hours and 20 minutes (“going on a cruise with my grandma’s group of friends, “The Sexy Six”) with a mean time of just two hours and four minutes.
The FDA says NP isn’t something that should be completely relied upon for weight loss. Individuals who try nervous poops need to be aware of the both negative and positive side effects, which include dehydration, skin irritation, and pooping a lot.
Dr. Weber herself is happy with the discovery. “Just last Thursday I had a huge presentation, and my lab coat was fitting a little snug,” says Weber. “Now it’s good to know that the nerves could have actually helped me lose a few pounds. This research is so important.”
To get the most benefits from your nervous poops, it’s best to think of something you’re nervous about in the beginning of the day, and focus on that thing until the nervous pooping kicks in.
“If I were to give advice to people who want to lose weight using nervous poops, it’s put yourself in an uncomfortable situation and know about it as early as you can,” states Weber. “Go ahead – attempt to confront your mom after two months of not talking about that horrible thing she said. Do it for you.”
