During a routine checkup last Friday, Margaret Satchel’s day was reportedly ruined when an evil witch doctor asked her to step on a scale without removing her shoes. “They should tell you if they’re evil witch doctors,” says Satchel, still shaken.
According to Satchel, the wicked witch proceeded to document a weight nearly three pounds heavier than what she expected; a weight, Satchel noted, that would stay on her record until next year’s physical exam.
“The boots I wore today have a stacked heel,” Satchel said. “That woman is a monster.”
Satchel, who saw her hometown pediatrician until recently, said the evil witch doctor also neglected to count to three before “the finger prick prick machine,” and only carried a collection of “plain, boring band aids.”
Satchel, who refused to drink liquids for 12 hours leading up to the appointment to cut water weight, adds that she was entirely unprepared for the witch doctor’s early morning assault. It was likely a critical piece she needed to cast a spell on an unfaithful spouse. “It’s not my fault that shrew can’t keep a man.”
“You never think something like this will happen to you, until it does,” she continued, wrapped in a Mylar blanket and sipping tea in the back of an ambulance. “I would’ve worn flip flops.”
At press time, Satchel was seen standing on her tippy toes during a final height assessment to even out her BMI.