Evil Bitch ‘Not Really a Sweets Person’

Despite seeming like a perfectly reasonable human being, your new acquaintance Claire revealed herself to be an evil bitch today by claiming she is, “Not really a sweets person.”


This disturbing report comes just moments after you thought you might be able to be friends with this person.


When asked to comment on the event, Claire expanded on her initial observation:


“It’s so funny, I’ve just never really had much of a sweet tooth. Even when I’m on my period, I don’t really crave sweets at all. I also just don’t get chocolate.”


Okay, bitch.


This aggressive statement from Claire has many people concerned about their safety.


Says a true friend, Michelle, “Is this an attack? It feels like an attack. Are we safe here?”


Initial reports show that police believe she is not a threat to her community, but more of a threat to your dignity. They have still upgraded the threat alert level to orange, which is the “Evil Bitch” level.


Officials ask that you take special precautions until the alert level resumes to normal. Some precautions include avoiding eating with Claire, throwing side eye when she refuses free donuts in the conference room, and eating as much sugar as you can out of spite.



No word yet on what the fuck Claire eats when she’s PMSing, but she did make another statement following backlash from her first explanation.


“Don’t get me wrong,” said Claire to the press just moments ago. “I’m sure sugar is good for some people, it’s just not for me. You know what I do totally crave though? Lean meats and veggies. They’re so yummy!”


Step down, bitch.


Claire has already been downgraded in your mind from “thin bitch” to “evil bitch,” but at press time, you were considering moving her even lower to “Enemy #1.”