Eco-Friendly Cosmetics That Can’t Unfuck Our Withdrawal From the Paris Accord

Green beauty products can do wonders for both our skin and our environment, in a world where America remained a part of the Paris Accord. Unfortunately, we have withdrawn from the agreement to reduce climate change and also embarrassed ourselves in the process, so these purchases now seem pretty futile. Here are a few eco-friendly cosmetics that might be better than nothing, but that can’t unfuck us from withdrawing from the Paris Accord.


Yuni Waterless Body Wash

This no-rinse body wash is a huge water saver that definitely can’t unfuck us withdrawing from the Paris Accord. It instantly lifts away sweat, dirt, and odor without wasteful shower time, but won’t reverse the decision that was made to fuck us all into ecological oblivion. Your skin will feel clean without greasy residue, but that may not even matter several decades from now when we have submerged the Empire State building in boiling sewage water with our negligence. Nice try though!


Honest Beauty Aerosol-Free Hairspray

Using an aerosol-free hairspray means you’re not emitting any Volatile organic compounds (or VOCs) into the air, but that’s all. Hairspray cannot take you back in time to stop the country from fucking itself into an early landfill site of a grave. Not that you shouldn’t still buy aerosol-free hairsprays – they do mean less smog for our skies, but they cannot re-fuck us back into an allyship with France or Germany, and that’s just a fact worth noting. At least you’re attempting to do your part!



Physicians Formula Organic Aloe Mascara

This mascara contains only the purest ingredients that possess no ability to reverse screw ourselves into caring about the environment. The eco-friendly brush is completely free of any harsh chemicals, synthetic preservatives or dyes that will not exist at all in a few years anyway because nothing will exist, because we clearly want to watch our planet burn. Whatever amount of soothing aloe this product contains is not enough to back up the huge fuck we just did to ourselves in giving the middle finger to all 196 countries still part of the Paris Accord. This has to be somewhat better than using non-organic products?


NouNou Recyclable Conditioner

This eco-friendly conditioner was made with only renewable energy sources that can’t renew our country’s dignity on the world stage, so that’s too bad for everyone. You can repurpose this container into a little planter after use, but no plant would want to be alive in this situation we have fucked ourselves into and now cannot U-turn fuck ourselves out of. Maybe a cactus, though that’s it. Buy this eco-friendly product anyway because it still matters – just know that a bad, dumb man without a purpose in life can reverse the effects of your purchase at any moment with his idiocy!


Make an attempt to help the environment with these eco-friendly cosmetics that can’t fix the huge fuck we did by withdrawing from the Paris Accord. Hardly anything matters anymore but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try!