A new report out of your childhood home in Trenton, NJ, confirms that your perfect dog, Carlton, who is profoundly joyful at your return for the holidays, is wholly unaware that this return is only temporary and that you will be ripped away back to the city in a few days, leaving him broken and empty.
Sources confirm when you arrived home for Thanksgiving, your dog expressed more joy than your parents had seen in months, running in circles, jumping up and down, and even peeing a little. You showered him with affection and several new toys, which experts say will only make it harder for him when you leave in 72 hours, you sick fuck.
“Dogs don’t quite understand that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just holidays that occur annually,” said local dog whisperer, Olivia McGee. “And we can’t explain to them that even though you just got home, you’re going to be leaving pretty soon. Instead, your dog thinks you’re home for good, and this creates a devastating cycle of joy and grief.”
Experts say Carlton may be extremely happy now, but the heights of this joy will only make the crash that much harder to bear when you inevitably return to New York because your data analytics job requires that you come into the office three times a week.
Those who advocate for the humane treatment of animals have long encouraged people not to come home for the holidays at all unless they can stay for at least three weeks, because the whiplash to your Chihuahua is akin to experiencing a death in the family.
“Once you leave, he goes on hunger strike for about three days in the hopes it’ll get you to return,” your mom told reporters. “But it never gets you to come home…never. We try to tell Carlton that you’ll be back soon, but unfortunately, he doesn’t appear to understand English.”
It can be devastating to know your furry friend doesn’t understand your trip is only temporary, but experts say your dog’s experience of things is 1000 times worse, so maybe keep that in perspective, asshole.
“If you can be a bit stand-offish or rude during your stay, that can go a long way towards helping your dog get over you after you’re gone,” Olivia added. “Maybe cheat on him with another dog or go on walks with someone else just to really make it easy to be angry at you – as opposed to sad – once all the holidays are said and done.”
As of press time, you had no choice but to leave Carlton and return home, but experts want you to know this has caused him unimaginable pain. Happy holidays!
