Oh no, it’s Ashley. She’s the one who always seems to know exactly how to hurt you—with that nasty tone and intent of hers. Sometimes when you think of the things Ashley says, you wonder, “Wait, did I hear what I think I did, or am I just fucking losing my hearing? Here’s how to know for sure!
“Something something…your body is unattractive.”
So you’re a little bloated and practically wearing a muumuu today, and Ashley just basically said muumuus are the only dresses that can fit your misshapen body. The following thoughts start to come to mind: “Hey Ashley, you think I only look great if I hide my body??!? TYPICAL ASHLEY.”
Take a deep breath. Before you decide that Ashley insulted your appearance, ask yourself the following question: “Did she actually say the words ‘you’re ugly’?” As soon as you start to say “No, but she –” stop yourself.
Did she just say that, or are you going deaf? You’re going deaf.
“Something something…I look down on you.”
So you’re all, “I’m thinking about taking my first trip to Paris after saving up all my money, and Ashley has the nerve to excitedly say she lived in Paris and offer to connect me to your friends there and tell me it’s beautiful there, as if I didn’t know?! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING UPPITY CUNT, ASHLEY??
… Ok, wait, but what did Ashley actually say? What? She didn’t actually say you “didn’t know”?
Did she just say that, or are you going deaf? You’re going deaf.
“Something something…you’re unhealthy.”
Be honest: right now you’re thinking, “Dang, Ashley, why did you have to say that as I’m eating McDonald’s and you’re eating a salad? Does being a judgmental health freak keep you warm at night?”
Pause. Did you actually hear the words, “You’re unhealthy”? Huh? She didn’t say those exact words, did she?
Did she just say that, or are you going deaf? You’re going deaf.
“Something something…I hate you.”
Ashley did it again. Right now, you’re focused on this: You just made an insightful response to her comment about poverty in this country, and she comes back with this shit, basically saying she hates your ideas and opinions and you as a person?
…Ok, calm down: Let’s reassess, given your previously established hearing issues. Did she say, “I hate you?” Oh, she did? Weird.
Did she just say that, or are you going deaf? Ashley definitely just said that.
Now that you have the tools to figure out whether your ears are working properly, go out there and get small-talkin’! And when in doubt, remember: Even secretly maniacal bitches can be a little insecure.
