In an effort to cultivate a more inclusive, haunted vibe, the mysterious demonic source of all creepy haunted dolls has just announced a new line of plus-sized creepy haunted dolls.
Finally, little girls everywhere can be dragged to the fiery maw of an unimaginable hell by a doll that doesn’t perpetuate an impossible beauty standard!
Following the trend of Barbie and other dolls coming out with new dolls emphasizing diversity, the untold atrocity responsible for sowing utter dismay on every civilization in history has decided to unleash a fresh hell on modern young women: haunted dolls that are a reflection of real-world body size!
In a world constantly telling girls that their bodies aren’t good enough, they can now find comfort in a plus-sized creepy haunted doll terrorizing their family.
In a statement painted in goat blood on the walls of every home in San Antonio, Texas, the Eldritch Mother of Unholy Objects revealed three new plus-sized haunted dolls, all with unique personalities! There’s Demelza, the cursed painter who causes you to bleed out through your eyes. Then Blythe, the fun-loving and freewheeling doll whose siren song forces all who listen to dance themselves to death. And last, but not least, Isolde, who loves basket weaving and stabbing people in their sleep.
Each of these dolls comes with their own unique outfits and accessories you can mix and match while they shackle your eternal soul to their profane will. These new dolls will retail for $39.99, or one nefarious barter, the cost of which equals perpetual sorrow and regret.
This is a historic step forward for representation in children’s toys, as well as wretched Lovecraftian nightmares!
When asked about the inspiration behind these new dolls, Eldritch Mother took possession of my eldest daughter and threw me against a wall.
“My ever-growing army of supernatural horrors should reflect the world that we live in. If young girls can’t see themselves in my terrible creations, how will they imagine themselves being flayed alive at my hands?” said Mother before carving further omens of apocalypse onto my skin and going forth to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting public.
The future is inclusive! And nothing shows that better than these legitimately haunted dolls.
