In an astounding coincidence, every person Mike Stelling encountered on his way to the office this morning was “much stupider” than him.
Who knew you could meet so many incompetent people in just one trip to work? Crazy!
“So I said to her, ever heard of something called ‘primer?’” Mike loudly narrated to the office, referencing the conversation he had had with his neighbor that morning about remodeling her garage. “Turns out the paint already had primer in it, but it’s like, do people know anything about painting anymore?”
Mike, a community college dropout, frequently displays a lack of basic knowledge in office meetings. Yet his retelling how he arrived to work paint him as a savant, besieged from all sides by dolts and dullards. What a crazy display of brilliance!
“I never thought of Mike as an Einstein or anything,” Julie Simons said of her cubicle neighbor. “But from the sound of his stories, he’s an expert on everything from yard work to the preparation of French cuisine.”
Though basic laws of probability indicate Mike should encounter a person smarter than him at some point or another in his life, that person has yet to come along.
“So I asked the barista, I asked her, ‘Excuse me, does Starbucks still put flavoring in vanilla lattes? Because I can’t help but notice you forgot to put some in mine,” continued Mike to his coworkers. “It’s like this place is run by idiots.”
While attending a Six Flags amusement park recently, Mike encountered ignorant employee after ignorant employee who didn’t understand the intricacies of theme park management half as well as he did. “So I told the ride attendant, ‘Hey, ever think about splitting the line here to increase crowd flow?” Mike recounted to the office the Monday morning after. “Turns out the lanes had to be wide enough for wheelchairs or some shit. It’s like, maybe think that through a little harder? People are so fucking dumb.”
The office is still anxiously awaiting the day when Mike encounters someone whose intelligence he approves of. Perhaps Mike will meet his match today when the firefighters arrive at the office, as he has once again accidentally opened the emergency exit door on his way to lunch.
