In a story from deep in the German woods, a local witch has hopped on the recent “cottagecore” trend by luring children to her cabin in order to fatten them up and eat them.
Now, that’s slow living!
“What’s more cottagecore than a house in the middle of the woods made of gingerbread, cake, and candy?” the witch asked reporters. “The fact that the house attracts children with whom I can sate my cannibalistic desires just adds to its overall dreamy vibe.”
Yes, curate that soft girl aesthetic!
Some nearby townsfolk have criticized the witch for romanticizing the consumption of children simply because she lives in a whimsical little gingerbread house in the middle of a magical forest.
“It’s not ‘cottagecore,’ it’s murder!” said one townsperson, who wished to remain anonymous for fear that the witch would target their family next. “Picking flowers and baking homemade scones is cottagecore, not luring, trapping, and consuming innocent children!”
The witch reportedly wasn’t sure where all the criticism was coming from, seeing as she also enjoys picking flowers and baking homemade scones.
“Not sure why we’re splitting hairs over what’s considered cottagecore and what isn’t,” the witch told reporters. “I’m interested in living a soft, slow, rural life, and that’s all that matters. Did I also eat little Friedrich last week? Yes, but that’s neither here nor there. I am a cottagecore girlie at heart!”
Homestead vibes!
The witch continued, “Like, my whole thing is baking delicious breads to tempt children to enter my unholy domain. I’m currently perfecting my sourdough recipe – it doesn’t get more rustic than that!”
Sounds like a total fairy tale life!
In spite of the local naysayers, the witch says she plans to continue living her best cottagecore life – buying flowy skirts, consuming unsuspecting children, and making her own jam to put in mason jars.
However, at press time, the witch had passed away unexpectedly after being pushed into her own oven by a couple of crafty children, which is actually a super cottagecore way to die.
