In a show of bravery and mental fortitude, the umbrella you’re currently taking with you to work knows there’s an 80% chance it will not return home, and yet it goes anyway.
Wow! What an honorable sacrifice! Who knew your umbrella was so fearless?
“Yeah, I’d say on average every umbrella I buy lasts about a week before I inevitably forget it in some bar or on a subway,” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “I guess I haven’t given much thought to how this might make the umbrellas feel. They’re so easily discarded and forgotten.”
Scientists confirm your umbrella does have emotions, and in this scenario, it’s mostly feeling frightened yet determined, kind of like a soldier going off to war.
“We’ve been able to isolate brain-wave-esque activity coming from your umbrella, and we can confirm at this time that it – sorry, ‘he’ – knows the fate that awaits him,’” said local scientist Patrick Heinhowser. “He doesn’t wish to leave his family behind – we’ve deduced the other umbrellas are like family to him – but he knows that you need him, and that sense of duty is overriding everything else.”
Scientists also confirmed that the umbrella has a relatively long memory, meaning it remembers other times you’ve taken umbrellas with you to work and forgotten them there. This sort of thing is like folklore or oral history to the umbrella community.
“Sure, this stuff scares the shit out of us, but Mark…he’s different,” said one of your other umbrellas, seemingly using the name “Mark” to refer to the umbrella in question. “That’s just the kind of guy he is. Ready to take on any challenge, even when he knows he might not make it back. That kind of spirit is why I named him the godfather of my children.”
Scientists were unable to determine which of the other umbrellas were like children to this one, nor were they able to find a system by which umbrellas could procreate in the first place.
When asked whether this heartfelt story would make you less likely to forget your umbrella during the course of today, you said, “Honestly, I wish I could say yes, but probably not. I’ll still forget this thing in the back of an uber before noon.”
As of press time, reporters have confirmed you have already lost the umbrella and purchased a new one, which you intend to lose later this evening.
