In a tone that can only be described as “very much certain,” local boyfriend Calvin Mahoney declared that a carton of Organic 1% milk was “still good” despite its “best by” date being three days ago.
Shrugging off any comments about the dangers of spoiled dairy, Mahoney added the liquid to his morning coffee and, taking a sip, empathically remarked, “Yeah, totally yes.”
“Everyone knows you have a week after the printed date before stuff goes bad, and I know it the most and best,” yelled Mahoney. “I took one sniff of that milk and thought to myself, ‘okay for drinking’. I’ve always been able to tell about these things.”
“I would say with a 100% complete utter extreme total and absolute certainty that this milk is fine,” continues Mahoney, fixing his gaze intently on his girlfriend, Sara Maddox, who grimaces and nods. “It’s fine, babe. Babe. Babe, I said it was fine, so don’t you want some? Babe.”
Sources report that despite Mahoney’s assurances, Maddox had chosen to use a fresh, recently purchased carton of milk that morning.
“I didn’t realize we had any milk left, that’s why I bought the new milk,” said Maddox. “That’s what you do when milk is about to go bad.”
Our scientists confirmed that while the milk in question was not hazardous to human health, it definitely had a smell and could turn sour any minute now.
For Mahoney, the ability to declare with 100% accuracy whether any food item has gone bad is a point of pride.
“I basically don’t look at dates of expiration anymore. It’s all about using your face senses and your brain smarts.”
Other topics this boyfriend has been “extremely sure” about over the years include the truth behind the Kennedy assassination, the future performance of the stock market, whether or not a certain item will fit into a given car’s trunk, the future performance of various NBA teams, his ability to pull out in time, and the non-existence of God.
To date, Mahoney has been hospitalized for complications due to food poisoning three times.