While scientists have previously theorized that human eyes will evolve to be larger in the future in order to see in dimmer environments as we colonize planets along the solar system, a recent finding has blown this news out of the water by demonstrating that human eyes are already getting bigger as a revolutionary response to another type of stimuli: massive fucking knockers.
“What we see in nature, is that human eyes widen when faced with big jugs as a part of an ‘awooga’ bodily response,” says biological anthropologist Dr. Eve Sven. “The evolutionary cause for this is that our senses are overwhelmed when faced with massive knockers, which makes us more vulnerable to predators. The widening of the eyes enhances our field of vision, keeping us safer and more alert. Plus, it allows us to take in more of the large milkers before us.”
“All I’ve described is just common knowledge in the scientific community,” Dr. Sven adds. “But our more recent research is showing that the survival benefit of having big eyes with which to look at big boobies is significant enough to set random mutations down a path of standardized evolution.”
Whether they’re big naturals or plastic perkies, gargantuan tiddies are an integral part of our society, and bigger eyes can help ensure human survival as we keep that society running smoothly.
“If you take a large-eyed public figure such Rami Malek, that’s someone who’s uniquely qualified to look at big ole honkers,” says Dr. Sven. “From a humanist perspective, Mr. Malek should be giving away as much sperm as possible in order to create a future more densely populated with bug-eyed freaks who are well-equipped to look down the barrel of some grade A sweater puppies — sweater Great Danes, if you will.”
“But regardless of whether or not Rami Malek has a huge number of biological children, this is the direction we are moving in as a species,” Dr. Sven adds.
When asked if human eyes would ever evolve to spring out of their sockets then pop back in when faced with a pair of fat cans, Dr. Sven was stern.
“No,” she said. “That would be grotesque, dangerous, and make no biological sense. But we may evolve to have hearts flash in our pupils in order to show potential mates that we see them as more than just massive knockers, and could really fall in love.”