A representative for American Girl Doll has recently admitted that the “American Girl Doll Hospital” where you can send your broken or battered dolls to be repaired is actually just an open field where they shoot the dolls in the head.
“It’s all about putting them out of their misery,” company spokesperson Amelia Redding told reporters. “Sorry, but you trimmed her hair up to her ears and you thought there was something we could do about that? No, babe – best just to put Molly down.”
“I thought it would grow back,” former Molly owner Katie West told reporters. “And, yeah, now that I think about it, I never did get that doll back. We just sent her out to be repaired, my parents distracted me with a new voice activated diary, and I never looked back.”
Reports from thousands of former American Doll owners expressed similar sentiments.
One previous owner, Rebecca Johnson, said: “Wait, it doesn’t take the American Girl Doll hospital 22 years to fix up your doll? Where the fuck is Kit?”
Redding also admitted that the offerings listed on the hospital website were a bit exaggerated.
“Yeah, I know we say the hospital’s purpose is to ‘fix dolls’ skin and hair, whether from age or accident,’’’ she said in a statement given to reporters. “But what we actually do is bring them out to a big field, tell them to look at the sun, feel the wind in their hair, then, boom, bullet to the head. It’s all very respectful. Unless they’re, like, super fucked up. In those cases, we do laugh and jeer a little bit.”
“I thought that after Josefina went to the hospital, she decided to go live at the farm upstate with my childhood dog, Nell,” 26-year-old Rubina Molla told reporters. “At least that’s what my parents’ told me…Oh, god. Nelly ate her at the farm, didn’t she?”
Reporters didn’t know how to respond to this, so they deferred to Rubina’s parents, who offered the same empty words.
“Josefina is still at the farm! She’s so good at growing carrots! And Nelly officially achieved the title of world’s oldest dog!”
Redding added that the folks at the American Girl Hospital couldn’t do what they do (shoot dolls in the head at close range with a child-size BB gun) without the help of dedicated parents like Rubina’s.
“Our whole operation would fall apart pretty quick without the immediate, careless, and overtly harmful lying that the parents are doing on their end,” she said. “Honestly, they’re doing the lion’s share of the work. We’re just shootin’ permanent-marker-covered Molly’s in an abandoned field on the side of the freeway. They’re lying to their kids on a daily basis, sometimes for years, with the only reward being their own selfish need to avoid any hard conversations.”
This news understandably left many American Girl Doll owners, past and present, distraught.
“When is Julie coming home?” asked 6-year-old Kelly Mathews, immediately bringing reporters to tears.
“Yeah, when is Julie coming home?” added 28-year-old Veronica Carlson, to whom reporters felt notably less sympathetic, and a little bit embarrassed for.
As of press time, Redding had also admitted that the “Afternoon Tea” offered at American Girl Doll Place is a money-laundering scheme, saying, “We honestly thought that one was obvious.”
