Crushes! We’ve all had them. I’ve had a lot. Maybe more than necessary. Most have spurned my affections and withered my soul. But no matter, every crush will live on in my heart. Forever. Here is the definitive ranking of all two hundred crushes I’ve ever had in my life. Good luck to all!
200. Clyde
199. Minnie
198. Lawrence
197. Otto
196. Luther
195. Lottie
194. Jean Pattycake
193. August
192. Harold
191. Pocket Mark
190. Horace
189. Harriet
188. Rufus
187. Victor Percy
186. Flossie Sue
185. CECIL
184. Stephen
183. Milkman Adam
182. Raymond
181. Harmful
180. Eugene
179. Peggy
178. Applebalm
177. Roy
176. Kenneth
175. Marjorie
174. “Genevieve”
173. Florence
172. Wilma
171. Eggy
170. Curtis
169. Don
168. Eugene
167. Thelma
166. Gladys
165. Elmer
164. Two Bit
163. Dean
162. Vera
161. Boots
160. Everett
159. Goody Adams
158. Rodney
157. Clayton
156. Bruno
155. Bessie
154. Duane
153. Pearl
152. Marion Pancake
151. Lemon Lime
150. Noreen
149. Eunice
148. Bobby
147. Willis
146. Tarantula Jones
145. Alton
144. Oliver
143. Terry
142. Marshall
141. Judith
140. Nugget
139. Carl
138. Junior
137. Potato Doll
136. Henry
135. Loosey
134. Pipette
133. Roscoe Spoon
132. Bonnie
131. Gail
130. Nelson
129. Damp Harold
128. Melvin
127. Toothy
126. Joann
125. RuthRuth
124. Stanley
123. Buttercream
122. Keith
121. Gordon
120. Lynn
119. Whipped Cream Billy
118. Delores
117. Edna (Say hi to your mom for me!!)
116. Vernon
115. Sheila
114. Elbow
113. Randall
112. Margie
111. Knocky Fred
110. Eva
109. Leroy
108. Dwight
107. Wilhelm Reich
106. Charles?
105. Nickname
104. Herbert Sr.
103. Herbert Jr.
102. Carolyn (you woulda cracked the top 100 but you know what you did)
101. Deena
100. Betty
99. Ann
98. Gloria
97. Puddin’
96. Philip
95. Yvonne
94. DiANNE
93. Warren
92. Nutters
91. Elsie
90. Alvin
89. Guy
88. Girl
87. Rex
86. Sudden June
85. Top Dog
84. Under Dog
83. Kelly
82. Arnette
81. Regina
80. Popcorn Eyes
79. Knick Knack
78. Sherri
77. Ralph
76. Lee
75. Tuna
74. Overcoat William
73. Brent
72. Brett
71. Britney
70. Veronica
69. Alice
68. Dewey
67. Jodi
66. Carmen
65. Cornetto
64. Belinda
63. Velma Mae
62. Gordon Hottub
61. Kerry
60. Gregg (the one I’m not related to)
59. Pam
58. Hardhat
57. Wind Chime
56. Anthony
55. Joshua
54. Chad
53. Birch
52. Shawn
51. Todd
50. Brad’s Friend Todd
49. Tiffany
48. Habitat Harry
47. Stefan
46. True Detective
45. Benjamin
44. Artichoke
43. Sandra
42. Lenny
41. Tara
40. Travis
39. Gary
38. Fake Detective
37. Holly (or Hope?)
36. Katherine
35. Raymond
34. Hugh
33. Linda
32. Joyce Raisin
31. Corey
30. Bernadette
29. Leslie
28. Heidi
27. Nougat
26. Brandy
25. Lemon Curd
24. Rhonda
23. Roger
22. Valerie
21. Cindy
20. Chester
19. Dustin from that trip to Tampa
18. Shannon
17. Yolanda
16. Darren
15. Blueberry Princess
14. Jaime
13. Casey
12. Damon
11. Beautiful Erika
10. Sonya
9. Reginald who owns an RV
8. SCOTT
7. Kristopher
6. Party Pizza
5. Ruben (the sandwich)
4. Ethel
3. Fern
2. Nickel George
1. Cher (Not that Cher, the other Cher)
Even though each of these two hundred names, all of which represent very real and intense romantic interests I have in my life, are in my past, they certainly aren’t forgotten. Congratulations to the best of my crushes, and I look forward to adding literally thousands more names to this in the future!
